Sunday, February 1, 2009

Suicide at February

Hello! It's time for my yearly February report! In this report, I will.. well.. talk. About stuff. Yeah...

So, it's already the second month of 2009. Exciting, isn't it? Maybe the chat update will come this year, maybe it won't. A lot of things will happen in 2009, I can tell you that. But let's not forget the past. The past which has created so many wonderful things. And so many horrible things too. Like, you know, that Suicide Salaryman game.

This game is the worst game I have ever seen. It could have been a normal game, but noooooo. It had to be "independent". And it is. In a bad way. You have to kill yourself to get to the next level. To show this, it puts in a "heart" counter that runs backwards from 49. Isn't that cute? No. It's not. It's stupid and annoying.

The game is plagued by other things that make it worse. The graphics are absolutely horrible, and are broken too. When you move, your character gets a little blurry. Nice job. The graphics suck to begin with too. The main character has a square head and really ugly hair. The other graphics aren't much better. Don't even ask about the boss level. Some weird ugly drawing and a horrible ASCII pig. YAWN. When you die this red ugly blood splat appears. It is very bad. Like the rest of this game.

The game is insane. I wonder how I can kill myself.. hm.. how about banging your head onto the floor? Yeah, that'll work! No, that doesn't do. The character can survive a long fall, even if that fall is from the ceiling. I guess I COULD accept that, but it gets worse. Your character can get a gun, but can't shoot himself with it. That's right, to kill himself with a gun, he has to bounce the bullet off of something, or teleport to where the bullet is going. Wait, you can teleport? Apparently, you can. All you need to do is go to the left of this screen. Nice wraparound. NOT. Also, a bullet can SIGNIFICANTLY move a safe, and crates can suddenly explode if shot or electrocuted.. I already mentioned the pig(?) and the weird ugly Cupid thing on the boss level. There are more ugly ASCII blocks in the game, giving you hints. Speaking of which..

The game feels like it is Japanese, and not just because of the name. The dialogue sucks. It's in Engrish. Next!

The levels are frustrating in the beggining, but later on they get LAZY. Oh, and MORE INSANE. Past level 30 or 20, you'll find complete nonsence levels that are incredibly easy. There's one that's harder then the first level! The levels are stupid, and to make up for it, they use gimmicks such as your character being able to stand on your cursor, your cursor being able to create blocks out of thin air, making you go slowly left or else a wall appears, making you press "K" to get a safe to fall, making you restart a level, making you quit to the main menu.. ect. ect. ect OKAY.. WE GET IT. You can sort of program. Nice. Now make some real levels.

I wish that guy was me right now. Then I wouldn't have to play this game.

The game is annoying. Very annoying. I'm guessing he works at a television company or something, because inbetween levels this game shows this ugly static garbage and makes this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD static noise. Cute huh? No, it's not cute. It's stupid. Like this game. Forget this game. I'm out.

Oh, and by the way, this entire report is a joke. You've been February Fooled! Seriously, don't compain to me in the comments or anything. It was all a joke.

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