Friday, May 7, 2010

All That Glistens Is Not Platinum!

So Mr. Runner has a secret feature. If you run a level really fast, instead of the highest medal they tell you about (gold) you can get a platinum. A platinum is an extreme pain in the ass to get and would very most likely get an impossible badge for catching them all. So, I'm here to list the cutoff times for each platinum on each level.

Thanks to Teenlink for being way better than me and telling me the cutoff times for levels I could not reach them on. In fact, he pretty much got most of the scores. So super mega ultra thanks!

Level 1 - 8:00
Level 2 - 11:90
Level 3 - 11:80
Level 4 - 12:30
Level 5 - 13:50
Teenlink Says: There are two forks in the road. On the first one, take the top path. On the second, take the bottom. These are the fastest ways.
Level 6 - 18:00 (Could be 17:90)
Level 7 - 13:50 (Could be a bunch of things from 13:50 to 14:00)
Level 8 -
Level 9 - 6:90
Severe Says: Always take the first path down! It's easy to get scores below 6:00 if you do it right, meanwhile going to the right like I always used to do will net you below 12:00 if you're lucky.

This list will be constantly updated, so check back later!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Don't Fail Me Now, Dummy!

Let's skip the introduction. You know what you want. I know what you want. You want to learn all the skins in Dummy Never Fails, amirite? Here they are. Important (obscure) ones will be bolded.

Basic Dummy - Screw you. You damn well know how to get the basic dummy.

Farmer - Complete 10 levels

Tourist - Complete 20 levels

Cow - Complete 30 levels. You know, they tell you how to get this.

Monster - Complete 40 levels. It says it right there on the rollover.

Censored - Complete all 52 levels. Well, now we can have Rule 42 on this obscure Flash game.

Programmer - Visit the credits! While you're at it, visit the credits twice for another skin that I'll bring up later.

Tanoku Fan - Visit Tanoku. The site. From the link they give you in the game.

Sponsor - Visit PlayHub. Alternatively, click Play More Games.

Muscleman - Submit your score. You can't do this until you finish all 52 levels, so I assume this is a companion for that little censored lady back up there.

Mech - Bring your total pain down to 78000. It's not actually hard. You'll be amazed how much pain you rack up in a single level, and how much you can take away.

Afroman - Test a level on the level editor. It can be blank. Or maybe not. What do I care?

Sumotori - Load a level on the level editor. It can also be blank. Just go to load and load nothing!

Pilot - Send a small level from the level editor. This means a smallish amount of stuff. So put like the cannon and the win box and maybe one or two stationary if you're feeling adventurous. Then save it and click the send link. You can ignore the window that comes up.

Commander - Send a medium level from the level editor. This is about 10 objects.

FBI - Send a big level from the level editor. So like just spam the screen with 30 objects or so.

Cowboy - Shoot 100 dummies. This will be done across the course of the game.

Egyptian - Shoot 200 dummies.

Roman - Shoot 300 dummies.

Zombie - Shoot 400 dummies. They say these two. They say almost everything. If you're looking for the ??????s scroll down plz.

Rocco - Shoot 500 dummies. Writing this is a waste of time. You know this!

Astronaut - Send a dummy out of the area. Out of bounds, out of whatever. The real challenge is to make it up to level 52 without getting this skin.

Cudeiro - Get 99999 pain in one level. You know it's cold out here for Cudeiro...

Cheerleader - Complete a level without pain. There's probably some sort of message in there, but I'm too busy thinking about Rule 42 again to come up with anything.

Orc - Get the circular symbol. Well, this ruined my good 42stream. How do you get the circular symbol? Read the in-game walkthrough. I hate videos too, but I don't feel like writing which level you get the items from.

Barbarian - Get the asterick. That's a crappy asterick.

Football Player - Get the teardrop. You made your mother cry!

Chinese - Get the club symbol, like the one they use in cards. Huh. This could be racist, but it's probably not.

Robot - Get the square.

Pirate - Get the triangle. This reminds me of that episode where that guy found the triangle and it wasn't actually a triangle but it was angle formed by the pirate's arm, so.. eh, forget it.

Yeti - Get the X. This is probably a reference to that skiing game which name escapes me.

Vampire - Get the star. Obviously this is one of those sparkling vampires.

Superhero - Get the hexagon. This one is somewhat challenging to get.

Gothic - Get the crescent moon. It's not really a gothic. It's more of a nun. Maybe it's a gothic nun.

Skeleton - Get the diamond. What a fascinating analogy.

Alien - Get the spade. This is a very very loose reference to Avatar. Or maybe it's just not a reference. Yeah, that works.

Artist - Open the credits twice. Here it is. I referenced this before, but you probably just skipped to this part.

Rocker - Mute the music. Alternatively...

Orchestra Leader - Mute the sound.

Soldier - Visit the high scores. Is the war just a game to you, Mr. President?

White Dummy - Test an empty level in the level editor. I'm sure we all did that.

Polygon Mesh - Clear a level on the level editor. I bolded this just because it looks badass. The skin that is.

Mummy - Edit a level with thursters. So put thrusters in your level basically.

Demon - Shoot 666 dummies. Isn't it 616 now?

Office worker - Complete a level with the random skin. There's a "?" button that says random in the skin section. Click on it. Complete a level with that skin.

Clown - Complete a level in slow motion. Slow.

Prisoner - Stop shooting for 20 seconds. It's debatable if this is important, but most people don't have seizures in every level.

Stickman - Play the game 10 times. I hate this one. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. The game loads so slowly. Basically you have to refresh and play a level 10 times. Also, the description says "play 10 times the game", which is horrible Engrish. I never played The Game 10 times. I lost The Game a bunch of times though.

Bear - Shoot 10 dummies after the level ends. You might have to do this if you go for the symbols.

Bizarre - Get the heart symbol. Woooooah. WOOOOOOOOAHHH!! Moving on.

Samurai - Get the pentagon symbol. What a weak way to end the skins. Therefore, I'm making the last skin..

Random - It's always there. It watches you sleep at night. This is even easier to get than the Basic Dummy.

And that's the end to our wonderful magical dummy skin exploration.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Segment #1337

The newest game to get badges on Kongregate is Cube Colossus. While playing Cube Colossus, you may realize it sucks. Oh, and that it has these annoying segments before each battle. The segments go something like this:

Segment #3

Don't give hope up.
Find your friends.
Do not disappoint.
Be ready for the challenge.

And now, I have EXCLUSIVE segments that didn't make it into the game! Here they are!

Segment #12

You are worth.
Cube can not win in this land.
Smoke die.
I am a foreigner, I can not laugh at your stupidity.

Segment #27

Navigate to death already.
To kill these cubes.
Instead, your mothers smoke.
Well, last night, she said.

Segment #132

These cubes are ideal.
How scary is this building.
So is your mother.

Segment #295

Do you live?
No, I need to make a living.
Because smoking is meaningless.
Your mother was like a Friday night.

Segment #645

Do not give hope.
Said, this game is won.
Joke is dead.
Soaks up information like your mother die.

Segment #1294

Please please please Dekimasenarimasen.
Please do not please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Do not give hope.
It is good medicine.

Segment #4512

I love the work of the value of hate this stupid job.
There is a difference.
It is also what happens in the future.
I will write to someone from the waist down.

Segment #9545

New episodes of loss of popularity as in this case, why?
This is considerably decreased.
Do you leave the place in the finale episode of me?
In other words, that is, a stupid stupid TV.

Segment #10133

He is obviously crazy.
What is the Ohio State University.
Today, I know what to do.
However, this is ugly, it means a big huge guy.

Segment #12045

Hi, I can, I'm bad to the west of you.
I'm going to quit you.
However, it is the best singer sea.
I thank the president of his face.

Segment #15345

I can specify the names of these pants I wanted to please the poster.
Deputy Prime Minister is this book.
Surprisingly, this child is sweating.
I will donate 12 cents to the lotion.

Segment #19651

To obtain appropriate waste it?
Eat the press zoom credit card bills.
This simple snap action.
Clear food and agricultural technology.

Segment #26503

Spring wedding, imagine the dam.
Instead, go up to describe the tragedy of south.
Beauty and not married.
Too bad the cow eats cow.

Segment #35013

For now, I need you to please.
Ask him choke to death.
I'm trying to kill this frog.
I can not see my guns.

Segment #53501

The following shall be applied, please.
Refer to the ducks, I can not eat a gun.
Made me listen to suffocation.
Pleasure without orange.

Segment #82346

Please Master marriage.
He is a visionary.
Now, the zombies are walking a thin line.
You can get the milk you can give your family some hope for you.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

2009 Birthday Special!

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.


why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.


what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly.


hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.


wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Elitist Level Rank Chart

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Cargo Bridge's Physics

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:


See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:
x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)

Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.