Segment #1337

The newest game to get badges on Kongregate is Cube Colossus. While playing Cube Colossus, you may realize it sucks. Oh, and that it has these annoying segments before each battle. The segments go something like this:

Segment #3

Don't give hope up.
Find your friends.
Do not disappoint.
Be ready for the challenge.

And now, I have EXCLUSIVE segments that didn't make it into the game! Here they are!

Segment #12

You are worth.
Cube can not win in this land.
Smoke die.
I am a foreigner, I can not laugh at your stupidity.

Segment #27

Navigate to death already.
To kill these cubes.
Instead, your mothers smoke.
Well, last night, she said.

Segment #132

These cubes are ideal.
Above.
How scary is this building.
So is your mother.

Segment #295

Do you live?
No, I need to make a living.
Because smoking is meaningless.
Your mother was like a Friday night.

Segment #645

Do not give hope.
Said, this game is won.
Joke is dead.
Soaks up information like your mother die.

Segment #1294

Please please please Dekimasenarimasen.
Please do not please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Do not give hope.
It is good medicine.

Segment #4512

I love the work of the value of hate this stupid job.
There is a difference.
It is also what happens in the future.
I will write to someone from the waist down.

Segment #9545

New episodes of loss of popularity as in this case, why?
This is considerably decreased.
Do you leave the place in the finale episode of me?
In other words, that is, a stupid stupid TV.

Segment #10133

He is obviously crazy.
What is the Ohio State University.
Today, I know what to do.
However, this is ugly, it means a big huge guy.

Segment #12045

Hi, I can, I'm bad to the west of you.
I'm going to quit you.
However, it is the best singer sea.
I thank the president of his face.

Segment #15345

I can specify the names of these pants I wanted to please the poster.
Deputy Prime Minister is this book.
Surprisingly, this child is sweating.
I will donate 12 cents to the lotion.

Segment #19651

To obtain appropriate waste it?
Eat the press zoom credit card bills.
This simple snap action.
Clear food and agricultural technology.

Segment #26503

Spring wedding, imagine the dam.
Instead, go up to describe the tragedy of south.
Beauty and not married.
Too bad the cow eats cow.

Segment #35013

For now, I need you to please.
Ask him choke to death.
I'm trying to kill this frog.
I can not see my guns.

Segment #53501

The following shall be applied, please.
Refer to the ducks, I can not eat a gun.
Made me listen to suffocation.
Pleasure without orange.

Segment #82346

Please Master marriage.
He is a visionary.
Now, the zombies are walking a thin line.
You can get the milk you can give your family some hope for you.

2009 Birthday Special!

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.

Example:

why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.

Example:

what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly.

Example:

hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.

Example:

wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

Example:
HEY GUYS U ALL SUCK U BTCHES LOL STFU NOOBS!!!!!!! LOL
hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Elitist Level Rank Chart

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Cargo Bridge's Physics

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:

SHAROOOOOON! THE ANOMALIES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEEEE!!

See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:

x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)
Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.

STOP SMILING! YOU... YOU... MONKEYS!!!

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.

The Great Sonny Ratings Controversy

Remember Greg's account being hacked? Well, another panic has arisen, the "Great Sonny Ratings Controversy". Sonny is the highest rated game on Kongregate. Hopefully, it still is. However, during the previous days something drastic had happened. Apparently, Sonny has fallen to 3RD place.

I liked GemCraft better anyway.

This was not meant to be. It was not set by nature. This was all a scam. And I have proof. This whole thing lasted for one day, yet took a week to set up. It all began with GemCraft..

Tinder

The bomb was set when a post on the forums stated that GemCraft was about to overtake Sonny. Many people had their doubts about this. Sonny is a good game with nearly 5 million ratings. However, the ratings for GemCraft were rising, and people began to worry more. What would happen if GemCraft DID overtake Sonny? This was when the panic first began.

Friction

GemCraft got even higher ratings. The stars had no intention of stopping, no matter how much members prayed.

Spark

The ratings were about to overtake Sonny now. Would it make it?

Flame

Yes, yes it would. GemCraft overtook Sonny! OH NO! And so, panic had arisen in the forums. Some people believed it was a lie, some people had believed it was fake. Some people suspected foul play, that GemCraft had cheated with the ratings. While this probably isn't true, it left Sonny wide open for a direct hit.

Alchohol

A game called MindMaster had appeared. The game had unusually high ratings, but most people didn't notice. They were too busy panicking over the GemCraft ratings. Thus, the fire was fueled. MindMaster had really high ratings. Too high..

Conflagration

MindMaster had overtaken GemCraft. This means that Sonny fell to third highest rated game. MORE panic had arisen. People definetly suspected foul play. Two games rising above Sonny at the same time? The fire of the Great Sonny Ratings Controversy was burning bright, seeming like it would leave a mark. Panic was high. Very high. Think the San Francisco fire panic. That's how high the panic was. The panic was so high it caused me to say panic several times in this paragraph alone. PANICPANICPANIC. Insane. Yet the fire died down..

Dousing

Greg posted a post on the forums that said the MasterMind ratings were in fact, spammed. Apparently, many people from the same IP rated it 5 stars. One thousand or something. With that, the fire died. MasterMind dissapeared, GemCraft fell to second, and Sonny got back to first. I still like GemCraft better, but it's nice to see the peace in Kongregate back again.

Ashes

This entire post is part of the ashes from the fire. Nothing bad really happened, but it left a bad image in people's minds. Similar to real ashes, the results are useless and used for nothing but.. nothing. Except throwing them in people's face. To tell you the truth, I liked the Greg hacking more. That was fun.

The UELH User ID Chart

Today, I bring you the chart of epic awesomeness. This chart relies on your user number, so please look at what your User ID is before consulting this chart. This chart is valid until 50 members are reached, and should therefore be replaced somewhere around February 2067

The Ultimate Epic Legendary Historic User ID Chart

1-100: Original Member
100-10000: Ultimate Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
10000-50K: Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
50K-100K: Awesome Epic Historic Member
100K-500K: Awesome Historic Member
500K-1M: Historic Member
1M-2M: Elderly Senior Member
2M-3M: Old Senior Member
3M-4M: Senior Member
4M-5M: Generation 0
5M-6M: Generation 1
6M-7M: Generation 2
7M-8M: Generation 3
8M-9M: Generation 4
9M-10M: Generation 5
10M-20M: Generation X
20M-30M: Generation Y
30M-40M: Generation Z
40M-50M: Generation Q
50M-Beyond: New Generation