Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Segment #1337

The newest game to get badges on Kongregate is Cube Colossus. While playing Cube Colossus, you may realize it sucks. Oh, and that it has these annoying segments before each battle. The segments go something like this:

Segment #3

Don't give hope up.
Find your friends.
Do not disappoint.
Be ready for the challenge.

And now, I have EXCLUSIVE segments that didn't make it into the game! Here they are!

Segment #12

You are worth.
Cube can not win in this land.
Smoke die.
I am a foreigner, I can not laugh at your stupidity.

Segment #27

Navigate to death already.
To kill these cubes.
Instead, your mothers smoke.
Well, last night, she said.

Segment #132

These cubes are ideal.
How scary is this building.
So is your mother.

Segment #295

Do you live?
No, I need to make a living.
Because smoking is meaningless.
Your mother was like a Friday night.

Segment #645

Do not give hope.
Said, this game is won.
Joke is dead.
Soaks up information like your mother die.

Segment #1294

Please please please Dekimasenarimasen.
Please do not please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Do not give hope.
It is good medicine.

Segment #4512

I love the work of the value of hate this stupid job.
There is a difference.
It is also what happens in the future.
I will write to someone from the waist down.

Segment #9545

New episodes of loss of popularity as in this case, why?
This is considerably decreased.
Do you leave the place in the finale episode of me?
In other words, that is, a stupid stupid TV.

Segment #10133

He is obviously crazy.
What is the Ohio State University.
Today, I know what to do.
However, this is ugly, it means a big huge guy.

Segment #12045

Hi, I can, I'm bad to the west of you.
I'm going to quit you.
However, it is the best singer sea.
I thank the president of his face.

Segment #15345

I can specify the names of these pants I wanted to please the poster.
Deputy Prime Minister is this book.
Surprisingly, this child is sweating.
I will donate 12 cents to the lotion.

Segment #19651

To obtain appropriate waste it?
Eat the press zoom credit card bills.
This simple snap action.
Clear food and agricultural technology.

Segment #26503

Spring wedding, imagine the dam.
Instead, go up to describe the tragedy of south.
Beauty and not married.
Too bad the cow eats cow.

Segment #35013

For now, I need you to please.
Ask him choke to death.
I'm trying to kill this frog.
I can not see my guns.

Segment #53501

The following shall be applied, please.
Refer to the ducks, I can not eat a gun.
Made me listen to suffocation.
Pleasure without orange.

Segment #82346

Please Master marriage.
He is a visionary.
Now, the zombies are walking a thin line.
You can get the milk you can give your family some hope for you.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

2009 Birthday Special!

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.


why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.


what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly.


hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.


wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Elitist Level Rank Chart

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Cargo Bridge's Physics

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:


See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:
x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)

Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Great Sonny Ratings Controversy

Remember Greg's account being hacked? Well, another panic has arisen, the "Great Sonny Ratings Controversy". Sonny is the highest rated game on Kongregate. Hopefully, it still is. However, during the previous days something drastic had happened. Apparently, Sonny has fallen to 3RD place.
I liked GemCraft better anyway.

This was not meant to be. It was not set by nature. This was all a scam. And I have proof. This whole thing lasted for one day, yet took a week to set up. It all began with GemCraft..


The bomb was set when a post on the forums stated that GemCraft was about to overtake Sonny. Many people had their doubts about this. Sonny is a good game with nearly 5 million ratings. However, the ratings for GemCraft were rising, and people began to worry more. What would happen if GemCraft DID overtake Sonny? This was when the panic first began.


GemCraft got even higher ratings. The stars had no intention of stopping, no matter how much members prayed.


The ratings were about to overtake Sonny now. Would it make it?


Yes, yes it would. GemCraft overtook Sonny! OH NO! And so, panic had arisen in the forums. Some people believed it was a lie, some people had believed it was fake. Some people suspected foul play, that GemCraft had cheated with the ratings. While this probably isn't true, it left Sonny wide open for a direct hit.


A game called MindMaster had appeared. The game had unusually high ratings, but most people didn't notice. They were too busy panicking over the GemCraft ratings. Thus, the fire was fueled. MindMaster had really high ratings. Too high..


MindMaster had overtaken GemCraft. This means that Sonny fell to third highest rated game. MORE panic had arisen. People definetly suspected foul play. Two games rising above Sonny at the same time? The fire of the Great Sonny Ratings Controversy was burning bright, seeming like it would leave a mark. Panic was high. Very high. Think the San Francisco fire panic. That's how high the panic was. The panic was so high it caused me to say panic several times in this paragraph alone. PANICPANICPANIC. Insane. Yet the fire died down..


Greg posted a post on the forums that said the MasterMind ratings were in fact, spammed. Apparently, many people from the same IP rated it 5 stars. One thousand or something. With that, the fire died. MasterMind dissapeared, GemCraft fell to second, and Sonny got back to first. I still like GemCraft better, but it's nice to see the peace in Kongregate back again.


This entire post is part of the ashes from the fire. Nothing bad really happened, but it left a bad image in people's minds. Similar to real ashes, the results are useless and used for nothing but.. nothing. Except throwing them in people's face. To tell you the truth, I liked the Greg hacking more. That was fun.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The UELH User ID Chart

Today, I bring you the chart of epic awesomeness. This chart relies on your user number, so please look at what your User ID is before consulting this chart. This chart is valid until 50 members are reached, and should therefore be replaced somewhere around February 2067

The Ultimate Epic Legendary Historic User ID Chart

1-100: Original Member
100-10000: Ultimate Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
10000-50K: Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
50K-100K: Awesome Epic Historic Member
100K-500K: Awesome Historic Member
500K-1M: Historic Member
1M-2M: Elderly Senior Member
2M-3M: Old Senior Member
3M-4M: Senior Member
4M-5M: Generation 0
5M-6M: Generation 1
6M-7M: Generation 2
7M-8M: Generation 3
8M-9M: Generation 4
9M-10M: Generation 5
10M-20M: Generation X
20M-30M: Generation Y
30M-40M: Generation Z
40M-50M: Generation Q
50M-Beyond: New Generation

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Suicide at February

Hello! It's time for my yearly February report! In this report, I will.. well.. talk. About stuff. Yeah...

So, it's already the second month of 2009. Exciting, isn't it? Maybe the chat update will come this year, maybe it won't. A lot of things will happen in 2009, I can tell you that. But let's not forget the past. The past which has created so many wonderful things. And so many horrible things too. Like, you know, that Suicide Salaryman game.

This game is the worst game I have ever seen. It could have been a normal game, but noooooo. It had to be "independent". And it is. In a bad way. You have to kill yourself to get to the next level. To show this, it puts in a "heart" counter that runs backwards from 49. Isn't that cute? No. It's not. It's stupid and annoying.

The game is plagued by other things that make it worse. The graphics are absolutely horrible, and are broken too. When you move, your character gets a little blurry. Nice job. The graphics suck to begin with too. The main character has a square head and really ugly hair. The other graphics aren't much better. Don't even ask about the boss level. Some weird ugly drawing and a horrible ASCII pig. YAWN. When you die this red ugly blood splat appears. It is very bad. Like the rest of this game.

The game is insane. I wonder how I can kill myself.. hm.. how about banging your head onto the floor? Yeah, that'll work! No, that doesn't do. The character can survive a long fall, even if that fall is from the ceiling. I guess I COULD accept that, but it gets worse. Your character can get a gun, but can't shoot himself with it. That's right, to kill himself with a gun, he has to bounce the bullet off of something, or teleport to where the bullet is going. Wait, you can teleport? Apparently, you can. All you need to do is go to the left of this screen. Nice wraparound. NOT. Also, a bullet can SIGNIFICANTLY move a safe, and crates can suddenly explode if shot or electrocuted.. I already mentioned the pig(?) and the weird ugly Cupid thing on the boss level. There are more ugly ASCII blocks in the game, giving you hints. Speaking of which..

The game feels like it is Japanese, and not just because of the name. The dialogue sucks. It's in Engrish. Next!

The levels are frustrating in the beggining, but later on they get LAZY. Oh, and MORE INSANE. Past level 30 or 20, you'll find complete nonsence levels that are incredibly easy. There's one that's harder then the first level! The levels are stupid, and to make up for it, they use gimmicks such as your character being able to stand on your cursor, your cursor being able to create blocks out of thin air, making you go slowly left or else a wall appears, making you press "K" to get a safe to fall, making you restart a level, making you quit to the main menu.. ect. ect. ect OKAY.. WE GET IT. You can sort of program. Nice. Now make some real levels.

I wish that guy was me right now. Then I wouldn't have to play this game.

The game is annoying. Very annoying. I'm guessing he works at a television company or something, because inbetween levels this game shows this ugly static garbage and makes this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD static noise. Cute huh? No, it's not cute. It's stupid. Like this game. Forget this game. I'm out.

Oh, and by the way, this entire report is a joke. You've been February Fooled! Seriously, don't compain to me in the comments or anything. It was all a joke.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Super Miieat Boy

According to a news post on Kongregate, Meat Boy is going to WiiWare as Super Meat Boy. The post then gives a link to a blog post and their official website. Remember Meat Boy? Yeah, that game was awesome. Remember how much you liked it? If you do, you're lying. You know you hated that game, because the controls were really clunky. The impossible badges didn't help either. So, you're probably thinking, how will this work?

The controls will have to be done nicely to not be bad. It depends if the Super Meat Boy (SMB for sho- wait a minute!) wants to be exciting or simple. If it wants to be simple, it would use the Nunchuk to move, and C or Z to jump. That would be fun, but not exciting. It's like the computer, but with a joystick. Heck, you could use the XBox to play the original Meat boy, so using the Nunchuk would be nothing new.

Everyone knows the Wii is famous for it's motion control, right? You can use the Wii remote to move in three ways. The first one would be move Meat Boy with motion control, and use B to jump. Now that would be pretty good. Imagine if you had a Wii remote in your hand, guiding along Meat Boy, and jumping at the click of a button. I don't know about you, but that would be awesome.

The second way is to use the sideways tilt thing. That is, turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it up to make Meat Boy run. To jump, you would have to press A (or B, I haven't played the Wii in a long time and can't tell which one's more comfortable.) That would work, but it would feel pretty weird because when you tilt it up, Meat Boy moves left/right instead of up, and it's not clear on how you would turn. Tilting it would be confusing because you're not seeing the game in the right way, which brings us to the third option.

The third option is the hardest option, but the most rewarding. Turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it and press A and all that stuff. Do what you did in the second way, but make the game 3D. That's right, put us in the perspective of Meat Boy, running around and wall jumping and stuff. This will be hard for both the developers to make, and the players to adjust, but it will be all worth it for a better gameplay experience. 3D gameplay would make using this control scheme less confusing than the second way, and would give you a way to turn (move the Wii controller left or right to turn). I mean, seriously. 3D wall jumping? 3D lava? 3D salt? 3D crazy missile things? That would be so freaking awesome! If the game can do this successfully, then it would rock. It would get millions of people paying on WiiWare to play it, and get them more money. Who knows? Maybe the game could grow up to be even better in the future. It could accomplish so much! People remembering it in history, people talking about it on message boards, whole websites being started about it, even magazine cover pages!

In the future, when PlayStation 4 is ready, Super Meat Boy 2 will be too. Also, a certain magazine will become GameInfo instead of GameInforme- I mean uh.. a certain magazine.. yeah..

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Pandamonium 1

So, I decided to interview Panda_Man. When he was online, I wasn't. When I was online, he wasn't. Today, we finally met and did an interview. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes before I had to go to school. To make things worse, he was lagging. Could we have a successful interview in 20 minutes with him lagging? No. Enjoy the interview anyway, and hope for a second in the distant future.

Click the picture above to see the full-size version on that picture. Do that with ANY shunken picture on Kongiophobia.

Monday, January 19, 2009

You Gained: Chat Nuke Plans

Chat nukes. Some of you guys know them, some of you don't. A chat nuke is kind of what it sounds like. But not really. A chat nuke can happen to anyone. You can be either just chatting, or dealing with a troll invasion. Doesn't matter what you're doing, your chat screen can suddenly just go black. Nothing there. Pow. It's like all the text turned invisible, but it didn't. Here are some common things that people state about the chat nuke that may or may not be true.

A chat nuke deletes all text in the chat before it. It literally nukes it.

Wrong! A chat nuke appears to delete the text, but if you scroll up it's still there. The text appears, and then it shows somebody saying " " except longer. It covers the whole screen. It's really annoying, but it's only done when it needs to be done, right? If everybody could do the chat nuke, then the chat would be bombed back to the stone age. That's why only mods can chat nuke. Oh, wait..

Moderators are the only people who can chat nuke.

Wrong! Anyone can chat nuke. Kongregate didn't implement a chat nuke because it's an exploitation of programming. Anyone can type in the chat nuke code and have a whole screen of blank lines, appearing to nuke the chat.

I wouldn't reccomend doing it in public though (In PM to some person that doesn't exist, or in a game with an empty multiplayer room would be fine) because you'll be silenced. Seriously. It happened just as I finished writing this article. So, don't abuse the chat nuke. There's a reason Kongregate doesn't let you use enter. It would lead to chat nukes. See, that's why this code is similar to enter. In fact, it's EXACTLY like enter, which leads us to..

Chat nuking is made by typing in a code and copy-pasting it over and over again.

Correct! For every one chat nuke code you have, you have one space. Typing the chat nuke code until the limit of characters is reached lets you create a massacre of empty spaces. It's really not that hard to chat nuke. The hardest part is actually learning the code. Once you know it, you'll never forget it. It's not some long long code. It's 5 characters.

The code you'll never know. Unless you know.

That's right, 5 characters. 5 characters capable of multiplying and causing destruction. I'm not saying they HAVE to multiply though..

Chat nuking destroys the entire screen whether you want to or not.

Wrong! The code for chat nuking is one enter, not one thousand of them. You can limit the chat nuking by a whole lot of spaces if you only use 4 or 8 of them. Heck, you can even use the code for good if you don't use the code for chat nuking and use it for line breaks. What would you need line breaks for in chat? I don't know. Dramatic pauses, maybe?

Okay, well, maybe not the power of good.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Pulse Me, Baby.

Changed the skeleton backround to a pulsing.. uh.. pulse backround.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Fun With FireBug

NOTE: I will NOT tell you the gender hacking cheat, but I will tell you it DOES involve FireBug and editing your profile.

On the forums, somebody noticed that a certain member had the gender "Shemale" on it. He posted a thread which sparked more and more people to edit their genders. Editing your own gender is actually hacking Kongregate, and will probably get you banned, because the admins are no fun. That thread is gone now (thanks Matt!) and the gender hacking cheat will still be a secret. As mentioned above, I won't tell you, because I had to suffer for a long time before I realized you actually had to edit your profile for it to show up. See, if you download a FireFox extention called FireBug, it can edit the HTML for a page. However, for it to be permanent, you have to MAKE it the variable. This means you actually have to submit it for it to be entered into Kongregate servers. While playing with FireBug, you can do anything you want with Kongregate code. It won't sumbit unless you manually submit it, and you can't with anything besides gender (and maybe birthday). However, you CAN make it look like you are a staff member or level 999 until you refresh the page. Since it's not permanent, it's kinda like editing a picture. You're not actually hacking the servers, because nothing gets submitted.. right? *gulp*


1. Download FireBug
2. Restart FireFox to make it work
3. Right click on what you want to edit and click "inspect edit" (or you can click on the FireBug icon in the bottom-right corner of your browser, but you'll have to manually find your edit)
4. Start editing! You might need to know basic HTML, but you can search for the words you want to edit.

FireBug apparently can't let you add code. (Either that or it's way too complicated for me to do it). This means in order to give yourself a "staff member icon", you need to be a developer. To change that developer icon into a staff icon, you find the developer image code (shown above) and change the developer part of /presentation/developer_icon.gif?1228803865 into staff. Your developer icon should change into a shiny red staff icon.

For reasons unknown, Kongregate has level icons for level 1-999, even though there is no level 999 (the maxium level is currently 65). Find your level icon (also shown above) and change whatever number you have into whatever number you want. You can change the 35 (my level at the time I'm writing this) of /presentation/levelbug/levelbug35.gif?1228803865 into 912 like I did in the image above, and you will get level 912! Hooray!

You can also change the badge pictures, but they're a little more advanced HTML and they look bad (because the images go a little north-left and the bottom-right repeats, it looks broken) and your personal bar thing.

WARNING 1: The personal bar thing is a little bit unstable and may snap back to the original for no reason.

WARNING 2: Refreshing or leaving the page will erase all changes that you made without warning. They're not permanent.