2009 Birthday Special!

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.

Example:

why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.

Example:

what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly.

Example:

hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.

Example:

wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

Example:
HEY GUYS U ALL SUCK U BTCHES LOL STFU NOOBS!!!!!!! LOL
hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Elitist Level Rank Chart

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Cargo Bridge's Physics

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:

SHAROOOOOON! THE ANOMALIES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEEEE!!

See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:

x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)
Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.

STOP SMILING! YOU... YOU... MONKEYS!!!

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.

The Great Sonny Ratings Controversy

Remember Greg's account being hacked? Well, another panic has arisen, the "Great Sonny Ratings Controversy". Sonny is the highest rated game on Kongregate. Hopefully, it still is. However, during the previous days something drastic had happened. Apparently, Sonny has fallen to 3RD place.

I liked GemCraft better anyway.

This was not meant to be. It was not set by nature. This was all a scam. And I have proof. This whole thing lasted for one day, yet took a week to set up. It all began with GemCraft..

Tinder

The bomb was set when a post on the forums stated that GemCraft was about to overtake Sonny. Many people had their doubts about this. Sonny is a good game with nearly 5 million ratings. However, the ratings for GemCraft were rising, and people began to worry more. What would happen if GemCraft DID overtake Sonny? This was when the panic first began.

Friction

GemCraft got even higher ratings. The stars had no intention of stopping, no matter how much members prayed.

Spark

The ratings were about to overtake Sonny now. Would it make it?

Flame

Yes, yes it would. GemCraft overtook Sonny! OH NO! And so, panic had arisen in the forums. Some people believed it was a lie, some people had believed it was fake. Some people suspected foul play, that GemCraft had cheated with the ratings. While this probably isn't true, it left Sonny wide open for a direct hit.

Alchohol

A game called MindMaster had appeared. The game had unusually high ratings, but most people didn't notice. They were too busy panicking over the GemCraft ratings. Thus, the fire was fueled. MindMaster had really high ratings. Too high..

Conflagration

MindMaster had overtaken GemCraft. This means that Sonny fell to third highest rated game. MORE panic had arisen. People definetly suspected foul play. Two games rising above Sonny at the same time? The fire of the Great Sonny Ratings Controversy was burning bright, seeming like it would leave a mark. Panic was high. Very high. Think the San Francisco fire panic. That's how high the panic was. The panic was so high it caused me to say panic several times in this paragraph alone. PANICPANICPANIC. Insane. Yet the fire died down..

Dousing

Greg posted a post on the forums that said the MasterMind ratings were in fact, spammed. Apparently, many people from the same IP rated it 5 stars. One thousand or something. With that, the fire died. MasterMind dissapeared, GemCraft fell to second, and Sonny got back to first. I still like GemCraft better, but it's nice to see the peace in Kongregate back again.

Ashes

This entire post is part of the ashes from the fire. Nothing bad really happened, but it left a bad image in people's minds. Similar to real ashes, the results are useless and used for nothing but.. nothing. Except throwing them in people's face. To tell you the truth, I liked the Greg hacking more. That was fun.

The UELH User ID Chart

Today, I bring you the chart of epic awesomeness. This chart relies on your user number, so please look at what your User ID is before consulting this chart. This chart is valid until 50 members are reached, and should therefore be replaced somewhere around February 2067

The Ultimate Epic Legendary Historic User ID Chart

1-100: Original Member
100-10000: Ultimate Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
10000-50K: Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
50K-100K: Awesome Epic Historic Member
100K-500K: Awesome Historic Member
500K-1M: Historic Member
1M-2M: Elderly Senior Member
2M-3M: Old Senior Member
3M-4M: Senior Member
4M-5M: Generation 0
5M-6M: Generation 1
6M-7M: Generation 2
7M-8M: Generation 3
8M-9M: Generation 4
9M-10M: Generation 5
10M-20M: Generation X
20M-30M: Generation Y
30M-40M: Generation Z
40M-50M: Generation Q
50M-Beyond: New Generation

Suicide at February

Hello! It's time for my yearly February report! In this report, I will.. well.. talk. About stuff. Yeah...

So, it's already the second month of 2009. Exciting, isn't it? Maybe the chat update will come this year, maybe it won't. A lot of things will happen in 2009, I can tell you that. But let's not forget the past. The past which has created so many wonderful things. And so many horrible things too. Like, you know, that Suicide Salaryman game.

This game is the worst game I have ever seen. It could have been a normal game, but noooooo. It had to be "independent". And it is. In a bad way. You have to kill yourself to get to the next level. To show this, it puts in a "heart" counter that runs backwards from 49. Isn't that cute? No. It's not. It's stupid and annoying.

The game is plagued by other things that make it worse. The graphics are absolutely horrible, and are broken too. When you move, your character gets a little blurry. Nice job. The graphics suck to begin with too. The main character has a square head and really ugly hair. The other graphics aren't much better. Don't even ask about the boss level. Some weird ugly drawing and a horrible ASCII pig. YAWN. When you die this red ugly blood splat appears. It is very bad. Like the rest of this game.

The game is insane. I wonder how I can kill myself.. hm.. how about banging your head onto the floor? Yeah, that'll work! No, that doesn't do. The character can survive a long fall, even if that fall is from the ceiling. I guess I COULD accept that, but it gets worse. Your character can get a gun, but can't shoot himself with it. That's right, to kill himself with a gun, he has to bounce the bullet off of something, or teleport to where the bullet is going. Wait, you can teleport? Apparently, you can. All you need to do is go to the left of this screen. Nice wraparound. NOT. Also, a bullet can SIGNIFICANTLY move a safe, and crates can suddenly explode if shot or electrocuted.. I already mentioned the pig(?) and the weird ugly Cupid thing on the boss level. There are more ugly ASCII blocks in the game, giving you hints. Speaking of which..

The game feels like it is Japanese, and not just because of the name. The dialogue sucks. It's in Engrish. Next!

The levels are frustrating in the beggining, but later on they get LAZY. Oh, and MORE INSANE. Past level 30 or 20, you'll find complete nonsence levels that are incredibly easy. There's one that's harder then the first level! The levels are stupid, and to make up for it, they use gimmicks such as your character being able to stand on your cursor, your cursor being able to create blocks out of thin air, making you go slowly left or else a wall appears, making you press "K" to get a safe to fall, making you restart a level, making you quit to the main menu.. ect. ect. ect OKAY.. WE GET IT. You can sort of program. Nice. Now make some real levels.

I wish that guy was me right now. Then I wouldn't have to play this game.

The game is annoying. Very annoying. I'm guessing he works at a television company or something, because inbetween levels this game shows this ugly static garbage and makes this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD static noise. Cute huh? No, it's not cute. It's stupid. Like this game. Forget this game. I'm out.



Oh, and by the way, this entire report is a joke. You've been February Fooled! Seriously, don't compain to me in the comments or anything. It was all a joke.