All That Glistens Is Not Platinum!

So Mr. Runner has a secret feature. If you run a level really fast, instead of the highest medal they tell you about (gold) you can get a platinum. A platinum is an extreme pain in the ass to get and would very most likely get an impossible badge for catching them all. So, I'm here to list the cutoff times for each platinum on each level.

Thanks to Teenlink for being way better than me and telling me the cutoff times for levels I could not reach them on. In fact, he pretty much got most of the scores. So super mega ultra thanks!

Level 1 - 8:00
Level 2 - 11:90
Level 3 - 11:80
Level 4 - 12:30
Level 5 - 13:50
Teenlink Says: There are two forks in the road. On the first one, take the top path. On the second, take the bottom. These are the fastest ways.
Level 6 - 18:00 (Could be 17:90)
Level 7 - 13:50 (Could be a bunch of things from 13:50 to 14:00)
Level 8 -
Level 9 - 6:90
Severe Says: Always take the first path down! It's easy to get scores below 6:00 if you do it right, meanwhile going to the right like I always used to do will net you below 12:00 if you're lucky.

This list will be constantly updated, so check back later!

Don't Fail Me Now, Dummy!

Let's skip the introduction. You know what you want. I know what you want. You want to learn all the skins in Dummy Never Fails, amirite? Here they are. Important (obscure) ones will be bolded.

Basic Dummy - Screw you. You damn well know how to get the basic dummy.

Farmer - Complete 10 levels

Tourist - Complete 20 levels

Cow - Complete 30 levels. You know, they tell you how to get this.

Monster - Complete 40 levels. It says it right there on the rollover.

Censored - Complete all 52 levels. Well, now we can have Rule 42 on this obscure Flash game.

Programmer - Visit the credits! While you're at it, visit the credits twice for another skin that I'll bring up later.

Tanoku Fan - Visit Tanoku. The site. From the link they give you in the game.

Sponsor - Visit PlayHub. Alternatively, click Play More Games.

Muscleman - Submit your score. You can't do this until you finish all 52 levels, so I assume this is a companion for that little censored lady back up there.

Mech - Bring your total pain down to 78000. It's not actually hard. You'll be amazed how much pain you rack up in a single level, and how much you can take away.

Afroman - Test a level on the level editor. It can be blank. Or maybe not. What do I care?

Sumotori - Load a level on the level editor. It can also be blank. Just go to load and load nothing!

Pilot - Send a small level from the level editor. This means a smallish amount of stuff. So put like the cannon and the win box and maybe one or two stationary if you're feeling adventurous. Then save it and click the send link. You can ignore the window that comes up.

Commander - Send a medium level from the level editor. This is about 10 objects.

FBI - Send a big level from the level editor. So like just spam the screen with 30 objects or so.

Cowboy - Shoot 100 dummies. This will be done across the course of the game.

Egyptian - Shoot 200 dummies.

Roman - Shoot 300 dummies.

Zombie - Shoot 400 dummies. They say these two. They say almost everything. If you're looking for the ??????s scroll down plz.

Rocco - Shoot 500 dummies. Writing this is a waste of time. You know this!

Astronaut - Send a dummy out of the area. Out of bounds, out of whatever. The real challenge is to make it up to level 52 without getting this skin.

Cudeiro - Get 99999 pain in one level. You know it's cold out here for Cudeiro...

Cheerleader - Complete a level without pain. There's probably some sort of message in there, but I'm too busy thinking about Rule 42 again to come up with anything.

Orc - Get the circular symbol. Well, this ruined my good 42stream. How do you get the circular symbol? Read the in-game walkthrough. I hate videos too, but I don't feel like writing which level you get the items from.

Barbarian - Get the asterick. That's a crappy asterick.

Football Player - Get the teardrop. You made your mother cry!

Chinese - Get the club symbol, like the one they use in cards. Huh. This could be racist, but it's probably not.

Robot - Get the square.

Pirate - Get the triangle. This reminds me of that episode where that guy found the triangle and it wasn't actually a triangle but it was angle formed by the pirate's arm, so.. eh, forget it.

Yeti - Get the X. This is probably a reference to that skiing game which name escapes me.

Vampire - Get the star. Obviously this is one of those sparkling vampires.

Superhero - Get the hexagon. This one is somewhat challenging to get.

Gothic - Get the crescent moon. It's not really a gothic. It's more of a nun. Maybe it's a gothic nun.

Skeleton - Get the diamond. What a fascinating analogy.

Alien - Get the spade. This is a very very loose reference to Avatar. Or maybe it's just not a reference. Yeah, that works.

Artist - Open the credits twice. Here it is. I referenced this before, but you probably just skipped to this part.

Rocker - Mute the music. Alternatively...

Orchestra Leader - Mute the sound.

Soldier - Visit the high scores. Is the war just a game to you, Mr. President?

White Dummy - Test an empty level in the level editor. I'm sure we all did that.

Polygon Mesh - Clear a level on the level editor. I bolded this just because it looks badass. The skin that is.

Mummy - Edit a level with thursters. So put thrusters in your level basically.

Demon - Shoot 666 dummies. Isn't it 616 now?

Office worker - Complete a level with the random skin. There's a "?" button that says random in the skin section. Click on it. Complete a level with that skin.

Clown - Complete a level in slow motion. Slow.

Prisoner - Stop shooting for 20 seconds. It's debatable if this is important, but most people don't have seizures in every level.

Stickman - Play the game 10 times. I hate this one. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. The game loads so slowly. Basically you have to refresh and play a level 10 times. Also, the description says "play 10 times the game", which is horrible Engrish. I never played The Game 10 times. I lost The Game a bunch of times though.


Bear - Shoot 10 dummies after the level ends. You might have to do this if you go for the symbols.

Bizarre - Get the heart symbol. Woooooah. WOOOOOOOOAHHH!! Moving on.


Samurai - Get the pentagon symbol. What a weak way to end the skins. Therefore, I'm making the last skin..

Random - It's always there. It watches you sleep at night. This is even easier to get than the Basic Dummy.

And that's the end to our wonderful magical dummy skin exploration.

Segment #1337

The newest game to get badges on Kongregate is Cube Colossus. While playing Cube Colossus, you may realize it sucks. Oh, and that it has these annoying segments before each battle. The segments go something like this:

Segment #3

Don't give hope up.
Find your friends.
Do not disappoint.
Be ready for the challenge.

And now, I have EXCLUSIVE segments that didn't make it into the game! Here they are!

Segment #12

You are worth.
Cube can not win in this land.
Smoke die.
I am a foreigner, I can not laugh at your stupidity.

Segment #27

Navigate to death already.
To kill these cubes.
Instead, your mothers smoke.
Well, last night, she said.

Segment #132

These cubes are ideal.
Above.
How scary is this building.
So is your mother.

Segment #295

Do you live?
No, I need to make a living.
Because smoking is meaningless.
Your mother was like a Friday night.

Segment #645

Do not give hope.
Said, this game is won.
Joke is dead.
Soaks up information like your mother die.

Segment #1294

Please please please Dekimasenarimasen.
Please do not please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Do not give hope.
It is good medicine.

Segment #4512

I love the work of the value of hate this stupid job.
There is a difference.
It is also what happens in the future.
I will write to someone from the waist down.

Segment #9545

New episodes of loss of popularity as in this case, why?
This is considerably decreased.
Do you leave the place in the finale episode of me?
In other words, that is, a stupid stupid TV.

Segment #10133

He is obviously crazy.
What is the Ohio State University.
Today, I know what to do.
However, this is ugly, it means a big huge guy.

Segment #12045

Hi, I can, I'm bad to the west of you.
I'm going to quit you.
However, it is the best singer sea.
I thank the president of his face.

Segment #15345

I can specify the names of these pants I wanted to please the poster.
Deputy Prime Minister is this book.
Surprisingly, this child is sweating.
I will donate 12 cents to the lotion.

Segment #19651

To obtain appropriate waste it?
Eat the press zoom credit card bills.
This simple snap action.
Clear food and agricultural technology.

Segment #26503

Spring wedding, imagine the dam.
Instead, go up to describe the tragedy of south.
Beauty and not married.
Too bad the cow eats cow.

Segment #35013

For now, I need you to please.
Ask him choke to death.
I'm trying to kill this frog.
I can not see my guns.

Segment #53501

The following shall be applied, please.
Refer to the ducks, I can not eat a gun.
Made me listen to suffocation.
Pleasure without orange.

Segment #82346

Please Master marriage.
He is a visionary.
Now, the zombies are walking a thin line.
You can get the milk you can give your family some hope for you.

2009 Birthday Special!

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.

Example:

why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.

Example:

what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly.

Example:

hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.

Example:

wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

Example:
HEY GUYS U ALL SUCK U BTCHES LOL STFU NOOBS!!!!!!! LOL
hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Elitist Level Rank Chart

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Cargo Bridge's Physics

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:

SHAROOOOOON! THE ANOMALIES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEEEE!!

See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:

x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)
Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.

STOP SMILING! YOU... YOU... MONKEYS!!!

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.

The Great Sonny Ratings Controversy

Remember Greg's account being hacked? Well, another panic has arisen, the "Great Sonny Ratings Controversy". Sonny is the highest rated game on Kongregate. Hopefully, it still is. However, during the previous days something drastic had happened. Apparently, Sonny has fallen to 3RD place.

I liked GemCraft better anyway.

This was not meant to be. It was not set by nature. This was all a scam. And I have proof. This whole thing lasted for one day, yet took a week to set up. It all began with GemCraft..

Tinder

The bomb was set when a post on the forums stated that GemCraft was about to overtake Sonny. Many people had their doubts about this. Sonny is a good game with nearly 5 million ratings. However, the ratings for GemCraft were rising, and people began to worry more. What would happen if GemCraft DID overtake Sonny? This was when the panic first began.

Friction

GemCraft got even higher ratings. The stars had no intention of stopping, no matter how much members prayed.

Spark

The ratings were about to overtake Sonny now. Would it make it?

Flame

Yes, yes it would. GemCraft overtook Sonny! OH NO! And so, panic had arisen in the forums. Some people believed it was a lie, some people had believed it was fake. Some people suspected foul play, that GemCraft had cheated with the ratings. While this probably isn't true, it left Sonny wide open for a direct hit.

Alchohol

A game called MindMaster had appeared. The game had unusually high ratings, but most people didn't notice. They were too busy panicking over the GemCraft ratings. Thus, the fire was fueled. MindMaster had really high ratings. Too high..

Conflagration

MindMaster had overtaken GemCraft. This means that Sonny fell to third highest rated game. MORE panic had arisen. People definetly suspected foul play. Two games rising above Sonny at the same time? The fire of the Great Sonny Ratings Controversy was burning bright, seeming like it would leave a mark. Panic was high. Very high. Think the San Francisco fire panic. That's how high the panic was. The panic was so high it caused me to say panic several times in this paragraph alone. PANICPANICPANIC. Insane. Yet the fire died down..

Dousing

Greg posted a post on the forums that said the MasterMind ratings were in fact, spammed. Apparently, many people from the same IP rated it 5 stars. One thousand or something. With that, the fire died. MasterMind dissapeared, GemCraft fell to second, and Sonny got back to first. I still like GemCraft better, but it's nice to see the peace in Kongregate back again.

Ashes

This entire post is part of the ashes from the fire. Nothing bad really happened, but it left a bad image in people's minds. Similar to real ashes, the results are useless and used for nothing but.. nothing. Except throwing them in people's face. To tell you the truth, I liked the Greg hacking more. That was fun.

The UELH User ID Chart

Today, I bring you the chart of epic awesomeness. This chart relies on your user number, so please look at what your User ID is before consulting this chart. This chart is valid until 50 members are reached, and should therefore be replaced somewhere around February 2067

The Ultimate Epic Legendary Historic User ID Chart

1-100: Original Member
100-10000: Ultimate Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
10000-50K: Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
50K-100K: Awesome Epic Historic Member
100K-500K: Awesome Historic Member
500K-1M: Historic Member
1M-2M: Elderly Senior Member
2M-3M: Old Senior Member
3M-4M: Senior Member
4M-5M: Generation 0
5M-6M: Generation 1
6M-7M: Generation 2
7M-8M: Generation 3
8M-9M: Generation 4
9M-10M: Generation 5
10M-20M: Generation X
20M-30M: Generation Y
30M-40M: Generation Z
40M-50M: Generation Q
50M-Beyond: New Generation

Suicide at February

Hello! It's time for my yearly February report! In this report, I will.. well.. talk. About stuff. Yeah...

So, it's already the second month of 2009. Exciting, isn't it? Maybe the chat update will come this year, maybe it won't. A lot of things will happen in 2009, I can tell you that. But let's not forget the past. The past which has created so many wonderful things. And so many horrible things too. Like, you know, that Suicide Salaryman game.

This game is the worst game I have ever seen. It could have been a normal game, but noooooo. It had to be "independent". And it is. In a bad way. You have to kill yourself to get to the next level. To show this, it puts in a "heart" counter that runs backwards from 49. Isn't that cute? No. It's not. It's stupid and annoying.

The game is plagued by other things that make it worse. The graphics are absolutely horrible, and are broken too. When you move, your character gets a little blurry. Nice job. The graphics suck to begin with too. The main character has a square head and really ugly hair. The other graphics aren't much better. Don't even ask about the boss level. Some weird ugly drawing and a horrible ASCII pig. YAWN. When you die this red ugly blood splat appears. It is very bad. Like the rest of this game.

The game is insane. I wonder how I can kill myself.. hm.. how about banging your head onto the floor? Yeah, that'll work! No, that doesn't do. The character can survive a long fall, even if that fall is from the ceiling. I guess I COULD accept that, but it gets worse. Your character can get a gun, but can't shoot himself with it. That's right, to kill himself with a gun, he has to bounce the bullet off of something, or teleport to where the bullet is going. Wait, you can teleport? Apparently, you can. All you need to do is go to the left of this screen. Nice wraparound. NOT. Also, a bullet can SIGNIFICANTLY move a safe, and crates can suddenly explode if shot or electrocuted.. I already mentioned the pig(?) and the weird ugly Cupid thing on the boss level. There are more ugly ASCII blocks in the game, giving you hints. Speaking of which..

The game feels like it is Japanese, and not just because of the name. The dialogue sucks. It's in Engrish. Next!

The levels are frustrating in the beggining, but later on they get LAZY. Oh, and MORE INSANE. Past level 30 or 20, you'll find complete nonsence levels that are incredibly easy. There's one that's harder then the first level! The levels are stupid, and to make up for it, they use gimmicks such as your character being able to stand on your cursor, your cursor being able to create blocks out of thin air, making you go slowly left or else a wall appears, making you press "K" to get a safe to fall, making you restart a level, making you quit to the main menu.. ect. ect. ect OKAY.. WE GET IT. You can sort of program. Nice. Now make some real levels.

I wish that guy was me right now. Then I wouldn't have to play this game.

The game is annoying. Very annoying. I'm guessing he works at a television company or something, because inbetween levels this game shows this ugly static garbage and makes this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD static noise. Cute huh? No, it's not cute. It's stupid. Like this game. Forget this game. I'm out.



Oh, and by the way, this entire report is a joke. You've been February Fooled! Seriously, don't compain to me in the comments or anything. It was all a joke.

Super Miieat Boy

According to a news post on Kongregate, Meat Boy is going to WiiWare as Super Meat Boy. The post then gives a link to a blog post and their official website. Remember Meat Boy? Yeah, that game was awesome. Remember how much you liked it? If you do, you're lying. You know you hated that game, because the controls were really clunky. The impossible badges didn't help either. So, you're probably thinking, how will this work?

The controls will have to be done nicely to not be bad. It depends if the Super Meat Boy (SMB for sho- wait a minute!) wants to be exciting or simple. If it wants to be simple, it would use the Nunchuk to move, and C or Z to jump. That would be fun, but not exciting. It's like the computer, but with a joystick. Heck, you could use the XBox to play the original Meat boy, so using the Nunchuk would be nothing new.

Everyone knows the Wii is famous for it's motion control, right? You can use the Wii remote to move in three ways. The first one would be move Meat Boy with motion control, and use B to jump. Now that would be pretty good. Imagine if you had a Wii remote in your hand, guiding along Meat Boy, and jumping at the click of a button. I don't know about you, but that would be awesome.

The second way is to use the sideways tilt thing. That is, turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it up to make Meat Boy run. To jump, you would have to press A (or B, I haven't played the Wii in a long time and can't tell which one's more comfortable.) That would work, but it would feel pretty weird because when you tilt it up, Meat Boy moves left/right instead of up, and it's not clear on how you would turn. Tilting it would be confusing because you're not seeing the game in the right way, which brings us to the third option.

The third option is the hardest option, but the most rewarding. Turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it and press A and all that stuff. Do what you did in the second way, but make the game 3D. That's right, put us in the perspective of Meat Boy, running around and wall jumping and stuff. This will be hard for both the developers to make, and the players to adjust, but it will be all worth it for a better gameplay experience. 3D gameplay would make using this control scheme less confusing than the second way, and would give you a way to turn (move the Wii controller left or right to turn). I mean, seriously. 3D wall jumping? 3D lava? 3D salt? 3D crazy missile things? That would be so freaking awesome! If the game can do this successfully, then it would rock. It would get millions of people paying on WiiWare to play it, and get them more money. Who knows? Maybe the game could grow up to be even better in the future. It could accomplish so much! People remembering it in history, people talking about it on message boards, whole websites being started about it, even magazine cover pages!

In the future, when PlayStation 4 is ready, Super Meat Boy 2 will be too. Also, a certain magazine will become GameInfo instead of GameInforme- I mean uh.. a certain magazine.. yeah..

Pandamonium 1

So, I decided to interview Panda_Man. When he was online, I wasn't. When I was online, he wasn't. Today, we finally met and did an interview. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes before I had to go to school. To make things worse, he was lagging. Could we have a successful interview in 20 minutes with him lagging? No. Enjoy the interview anyway, and hope for a second in the distant future.

Click the picture above to see the full-size version on that picture. Do that with ANY shunken picture on Kongiophobia.

You Gained: Chat Nuke Plans

Chat nukes. Some of you guys know them, some of you don't. A chat nuke is kind of what it sounds like. But not really. A chat nuke can happen to anyone. You can be either just chatting, or dealing with a troll invasion. Doesn't matter what you're doing, your chat screen can suddenly just go black. Nothing there. Pow. It's like all the text turned invisible, but it didn't. Here are some common things that people state about the chat nuke that may or may not be true.

A chat nuke deletes all text in the chat before it. It literally nukes it.

Wrong! A chat nuke appears to delete the text, but if you scroll up it's still there. The text appears, and then it shows somebody saying " " except longer. It covers the whole screen. It's really annoying, but it's only done when it needs to be done, right? If everybody could do the chat nuke, then the chat would be bombed back to the stone age. That's why only mods can chat nuke. Oh, wait..

Moderators are the only people who can chat nuke.

Wrong! Anyone can chat nuke. Kongregate didn't implement a chat nuke because it's an exploitation of programming. Anyone can type in the chat nuke code and have a whole screen of blank lines, appearing to nuke the chat.

I wouldn't reccomend doing it in public though (In PM to some person that doesn't exist, or in a game with an empty multiplayer room would be fine) because you'll be silenced. Seriously. It happened just as I finished writing this article. So, don't abuse the chat nuke. There's a reason Kongregate doesn't let you use enter. It would lead to chat nukes. See, that's why this code is similar to enter. In fact, it's EXACTLY like enter, which leads us to..

Chat nuking is made by typing in a code and copy-pasting it over and over again.

Correct! For every one chat nuke code you have, you have one space. Typing the chat nuke code until the limit of characters is reached lets you create a massacre of empty spaces. It's really not that hard to chat nuke. The hardest part is actually learning the code. Once you know it, you'll never forget it. It's not some long long code. It's 5 characters.

The code you'll never know. Unless you know.

That's right, 5 characters. 5 characters capable of multiplying and causing destruction. I'm not saying they HAVE to multiply though..

Chat nuking destroys the entire screen whether you want to or not.

Wrong! The code for chat nuking is one enter, not one thousand of them. You can limit the chat nuking by a whole lot of spaces if you only use 4 or 8 of them. Heck, you can even use the code for good if you don't use the code for chat nuking and use it for line breaks. What would you need line breaks for in chat? I don't know. Dramatic pauses, maybe?

Okay, well, maybe not the power of good.

Pulse Me, Baby.

Changed the skeleton backround to a pulsing.. uh.. pulse backround.

Fun With FireBug

NOTE: I will NOT tell you the gender hacking cheat, but I will tell you it DOES involve FireBug and editing your profile.

On the forums, somebody noticed that a certain member had the gender "Shemale" on it. He posted a thread which sparked more and more people to edit their genders. Editing your own gender is actually hacking Kongregate, and will probably get you banned, because the admins are no fun. That thread is gone now (thanks Matt!) and the gender hacking cheat will still be a secret. As mentioned above, I won't tell you, because I had to suffer for a long time before I realized you actually had to edit your profile for it to show up. See, if you download a FireFox extention called FireBug, it can edit the HTML for a page. However, for it to be permanent, you have to MAKE it the variable. This means you actually have to submit it for it to be entered into Kongregate servers. While playing with FireBug, you can do anything you want with Kongregate code. It won't sumbit unless you manually submit it, and you can't with anything besides gender (and maybe birthday). However, you CAN make it look like you are a staff member or level 999 until you refresh the page. Since it's not permanent, it's kinda like editing a picture. You're not actually hacking the servers, because nothing gets submitted.. right? *gulp*

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Download FireBug
2. Restart FireFox to make it work
3. Right click on what you want to edit and click "inspect edit" (or you can click on the FireBug icon in the bottom-right corner of your browser, but you'll have to manually find your edit)
4. Start editing! You might need to know basic HTML, but you can search for the words you want to edit.

FireBug apparently can't let you add code. (Either that or it's way too complicated for me to do it). This means in order to give yourself a "staff member icon", you need to be a developer. To change that developer icon into a staff icon, you find the developer image code (shown above) and change the developer part of /presentation/developer_icon.gif?1228803865 into staff. Your developer icon should change into a shiny red staff icon.

For reasons unknown, Kongregate has level icons for level 1-999, even though there is no level 999 (the maxium level is currently 65). Find your level icon (also shown above) and change whatever number you have into whatever number you want. You can change the 35 (my level at the time I'm writing this) of /presentation/levelbug/levelbug35.gif?1228803865 into 912 like I did in the image above, and you will get level 912! Hooray!

You can also change the badge pictures, but they're a little more advanced HTML and they look bad (because the images go a little north-left and the bottom-right repeats, it looks broken) and your personal bar thing.

WARNING 1: The personal bar thing is a little bit unstable and may snap back to the original for no reason.

WARNING 2: Refreshing or leaving the page will erase all changes that you made without warning. They're not permanent.

The First 5 Games On Kongregate

Hey look! It's almost 2009! Kongregate's come a long, long way since it was first implemented. Better chat, better comments, better profiles, better.. functionality..

And better games. Kongregate is all about games. Without good games, it would be nothing. Since it is something, the games must be good. And they are. It wasn't like that when the site first started. So sit down, make yourself a sandwich, get some water, and enjoy this presentation of the first 5 games on Kongregate.

5. Guppy Guard Express

Where am I going?
I really can't see..
But I think I'll get there
Like a vision-less guppy..

This game is a Helicopter rip-off. It's a really bad helicopter rip-off. In Helicopter, you have to hold your mouse to move up and avoid obstacles and crashing into the ground/ceiling. This game is like that. This would be pretty easy and cool, but the controls don't make any sense in this one. It says you can also move your guppy by moving your mouse left to right, but it sometimes doesn't work. In fact, none of the controls work. You float up until you left-click and then you crash down, sometimes the mouse moves the guppy, sometimes not. This game might have good graphics, but it crashes at actually playing the game.

4. Balloon Go Pop!

Different color balloons show up. A color will show up on the screen and you have to shoot the matching color balloon. The 9th game to get uploaded on Kongregate was Fancy Pants Adventures. Why couldn't it have been in the first 5 so I wouldn't have to play this garbage? This game sucks. Boring graphics, boring gameplay, boring everything.. Next!

3. Food Chain

Surprisingly, this doesn't suck. It's a dog-cat-mouse game where you start off small and eat anything smaller to grow, to either other things. Sound familiar? That's right, it's Spore! It could also be Microbe Kombat, but it's missing a lot of features. Such as abilities and annoying viruses. It's still good. The first game of it's kind on Kongregate, so I have to give it major points with that. I love these types of games, but this is level-based. I wish it had an infinite mode. That would be pretty nice. It gets boring fast, which is it's main problem.

2. Micro Seige

Mini-minions are invading! Are you a bad enough dude to protect the king? What you have to do in this game is hold rocks for resources, then build tower to protect your king. It should be fun, but the game ruins it by including slower and slower mining times as you mine, no replay value, and very repetitve gameplay. The game is confusing, and it took me several tries to figure out how the game works (mostly the archers). There's not even a tutorial mode. Oh, and you can bring the game to a deadlock by building towers around the edge of the universe, but there's no point. The knights will just get angry and spam your chat.

"LEAVE MY WALLS ALONE!"

The game is way too hard when you have no archers, and once you do, it's way too easy. The camera is HORRIBLE, since you have to click on a turning button instead of guiding with arrow keys. Too many things that can be improved in this one. This is richpixel's second game. Since this is also the second game on Kongregate, richpixel's first game was the first game on Kongregate. Speaking of which..

1. Crazy Climber

On October 10, 2006, this game was launched. Hooray! The first game on Kongregate! It's a Q-Bert rip-off, though. It's still fun. Uses about the same graphics as Micro Seige but not that broken. You have 100 steps of energy. Can you reach the top of the summit? I sure hope so, because you have to climb your way through walls to steep (as shown above) dodge a boulder, and try to get the energy bar so you can continue your journey! This uses the annoying style of walking where instead of walking straight up, you go north-east when you walk up, south-east when you walk right, and so forth. You'll learn to live with it though. This game is pretty fun and challenging at the same time. I can't decide which is better, Crazy Climber or Food Chain. Ah well, it's always nice to see a piece of history. Oh no.. here comes the nostalgia..

The time has come, the walrus said
To talk of many things..
Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax,
Of cabbages and kings..
Any why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings..

My Silent Saboteur

People often ask a question: Is Kongregate better then ArmorGames? It's a tough choice. Kongregate users often point out that it's obvious that Kongregate is better because it has cards, a card game, badges, a chat, and more. Kongregate is cleary better then ArmorGames for playing games. There lies the problem. Kongregate would be better then ArmorGames IF it had any games. Good games, at least.

The highest game on Kongregate is currently Sonny. Look at who uploaded it. It wasn't Kongregate, it was ArmorGames. Look at ArmorGames' account and all the wonderful games the uploaded. Kongregate uploaded the Shoot! (booooriiiiing) and Kongai (snore). ArmorGames sponsors tons of good games. Kongregate has sponsored, maybe about 2 or 3 good games, and then tons of bad games like Project Green and Saboteur.

The creator of Saboteur is NinjaCow, the guy who is a ninja and a cow combined together. He's also insane about killing DrNeroCF, the creator of Fancy Pants Adventures. NinjaCow does everything DrNeroCF does worse. He also tries to do his own games* sometimes, but they suck too. Like this game. In Saboteur, you walk around trying to crack the guard's necks (or not) and avoid cameras until you get to your target. After that, you have to get back out. It would be boring like this, so NinjaCow decided to add "features" to the game. The problem is, the features are annoying.

This game isn't 3D or anything, so it's set in bird's eye view mode. NinjaCow decided to add a circle that restricts your view to make it seem like a spy game. The problem is, it's annoying, it's pointless, and it's just stupid. Thanks for showing us your abilities to block the game screen, NinjaCow, but I really don't care. He also made our character suck. That meter on the bottom-right of the screen is the sound we're making. That's right, our characters make sound when they walk. This might have been cool, but NinjaCow didn't implement a sneak button, so we HAVE to walk fast and make sound. The character can drag a dead guard body so it won't be noticed by a guard. The problem is, he has butterfingers, and can't hold on to a dead body of a guard he just killed without it falling.

Whoever owns the area hired guards that are SuperMen, but they suck. It SAID in the job description that they can see through walls (which they can, thanks to NinjaCow's lazy programming) but it failed to mention they're blind. The entire point of dragging a dead guard body away is to make sure a guard doesn't see it. The problem is, they WON'T NOTICE THE BODY. That's right. The screenshot does not lie.

Is that a dead body? Nah.. I'm probably imagining it.

The guards are also blind in a different way. They have something I like to call "NST:18I" which means Near Sightedness to 18 Inches. In other words, their vision is .0000142045455 of normal human vision, which is 1,267,200 inches (20 miles). Having such a terrible vision must make life hard for them.

Where'd you go, Snake? I can't see you. Snake? SNAAAAAAAAKE!

The missions don't make up for the horrible physics. They're all dumb stuff like "Assasinate Mr.Black" or "Steal stuff but don't kill anybody". The game is boring, frustrating, and annoying. I didn't have the patience to get past level 3. Forget this game. NinjaCow must hate DrNeroCF because his games are infinitely better then his games.

Fail Factor 4: It's not fun, the game is broken, and it's annoying.

Phobia: Probably Scotomaphobia - Fear of blindness

*That have been done better a million times before

Project Ice Rink

A game concept that SHOULD be overused but isn't is real ice. Many games try ice that sucks. Real ice isn't moving a LITTLE faster over time, and you skid for an inch before stopping. Real ice is "holy crap I'm still moving 20 miles per hour" and "Whoah, this spinning is making me kinda sick" stuff. Where does ice belong, however? In an ice rink game of course! It's my honor to present, Project Ice Rink!

Wait a minute, that's not it. The game is called Project Green, and it's not about ice rinks at all. It's just another stupid game where you move and try to open doors to finally reach the exit switch to get to the exit. While missiles and lasers are shooting at you. None of these games make sense. They're also incredibly easy. However, Project Green is not easy. Why? Well, that's where the ice comes in.


There is nearly NO green in Project Green. There is, however, a whole lot of gray. Oh, and red. Mostly gray though. Project Green is a misnomer. The game should be called "Project Spin Out Of Control Until You Bump Into A Wall Which You Somehow Bounce Off Of". Why? The reason is that this game appears a friction of 0.0000001. Do you want to stop? Sorry, you'll have to waste 8 seconds randomly sliding and bouncing on the screen, hoping you don't get your ass fried by the lasers or bump a mine until you finally move only a LITTLE. That's right, you never stop moving, even after 20 years you'll still be sliding just a little bit. Call me crazy, but I think this isn't fun. And sure, 8 seconds doesn't seem THAT long, but it happens EVERY TIME YOU MOVE. The entire game is ruined thanks to these stupid physics. The game gives you a level editor, but that sucks too.

The level editor is unfriendly, unhelpful, and confusing. It doesn't tell you anything, which means if you haven't played the game you're forced to guess what everything does. It also doesn't seem to have a very important part of the game: THE PLAYER. Turns out the player comes with the exit square. I guess the author doesn't believe in freedom. The game has a "delete" option, but doesn't let you delete anything. Or does it? To delete something, you have to highlight it. I got that part, but it turns out you have to press "Delete" to delete it. The actual delete button on the keyboard. Now, I know why the author chose it and it isn't a problem! Except for one little fact: DELETE IS USELESS AND A HORRIBLE BUTTON TO USE ON A KEYBOARD. Nobody uses delete because it's much easier to use backspace. That's why EVERY single game uses it. Except this one of course, because Project Green is nonsense. I thing green is actually G.R.E.E.N, an acronym for "Giant Ridiculous Exciting (just kidding, it's boring.) Eggplant Nonsense. Why is eggplant in there? I don't know, and neither does the author because this game is INSANE. Fun Fact: Kongregate actually sponsored this garbage.

Fail Factor 2: It's actually pretty fun until you get up to level 51 or so.

The phobia here was hard to find, but I think it's Tropophobia, the fear of moving (which you'll do a lot of in this game whether you want to or not)