Kongiophobia

All That Glistens Is Not Platinum!

2010-05-07T19:45:00.007-04:00

So Mr. Runner has a secret feature. If you run a level really fast, instead of the highest medal they tell you about (gold) you can get a platinum. A platinum is an extreme pain in the ass to get and would very most likely get an impossible badge for catching them all. So, I'm here to list the cutoff times for each platinum on each level.

Thanks to Teenlink for being way better than me and telling me the cutoff times for levels I could not reach them on. In fact, he pretty much got most of the scores. So super mega ultra thanks!

Level 1 - 8:00
Level 2 - 11:90
Level 3 - 11:80
Level 4 - 12:30
Level 5 - 13:50
Teenlink Says: There are two forks in the road. On the first one, take the top path. On the second, take the bottom. These are the fastest ways.
Level 6 - 18:00 (Could be 17:90)
Level 7 - 13:50 (Could be a bunch of things from 13:50 to 14:00)
Level 8 -
Level 9 - 6:90
Severe Says: Always take the first path down! It's easy to get scores below 6:00 if you do it right, meanwhile going to the right like I always used to do will net you below 12:00 if you're lucky.

This list will be constantly updated, so check back later!

Don't Fail Me Now, Dummy!

2010-05-03T20:41:00.002-04:00

Let's skip the introduction. You know what you want. I know what you want. You want to learn all the skins in Dummy Never Fails, amirite? Here they are. Important (obscure) ones will be bolded.

Basic Dummy - Screw you. You damn well know how to get the basic dummy.

Farmer - Complete 10 levels

Tourist - Complete 20 levels

Cow - Complete 30 levels. You know, they tell you how to get this.

Monster - Complete 40 levels. It says it right there on the rollover.

Censored - Complete all 52 levels. Well, now we can have Rule 42 on this obscure Flash game.

Programmer - Visit the credits! While you're at it, visit the credits twice for another skin that I'll bring up later.

Tanoku Fan - Visit Tanoku. The site. From the link they give you in the game.

Sponsor - Visit PlayHub. Alternatively, click Play More Games.

Muscleman - Submit your score. You can't do this until you finish all 52 levels, so I assume this is a companion for that little censored lady back up there.

Mech - Bring your total pain down to 78000. It's not actually hard. You'll be amazed how much pain you rack up in a single level, and how much you can take away.

Afroman - Test a level on the level editor. It can be blank. Or maybe not. What do I care?

Sumotori - Load a level on the level editor. It can also be blank. Just go to load and load nothing!

Pilot - Send a small level from the level editor. This means a smallish amount of stuff. So put like the cannon and the win box and maybe one or two stationary if you're feeling adventurous. Then save it and click the send link. You can ignore the window that comes up.

Commander - Send a medium level from the level editor. This is about 10 objects.

FBI - Send a big level from the level editor. So like just spam the screen with 30 objects or so.

Cowboy - Shoot 100 dummies. This will be done across the course of the game.

Egyptian - Shoot 200 dummies.

Roman - Shoot 300 dummies.

Zombie - Shoot 400 dummies. They say these two. They say almost everything. If you're looking for the ??????s scroll down plz.

Rocco - Shoot 500 dummies. Writing this is a waste of time. You know this!

Astronaut - Send a dummy out of the area. Out of bounds, out of whatever. The real challenge is to make it up to level 52 without getting this skin.

Cudeiro - Get 99999 pain in one level. You know it's cold out here for Cudeiro...

Cheerleader - Complete a level without pain. There's probably some sort of message in there, but I'm too busy thinking about Rule 42 again to come up with anything.

Orc - Get the circular symbol. Well, this ruined my good 42stream. How do you get the circular symbol? Read the in-game walkthrough. I hate videos too, but I don't feel like writing which level you get the items from.

Barbarian - Get the asterick. That's a crappy asterick.

Football Player - Get the teardrop. You made your mother cry!

Chinese - Get the club symbol, like the one they use in cards. Huh. This could be racist, but it's probably not.

Robot - Get the square.

Pirate - Get the triangle. This reminds me of that episode where that guy found the triangle and it wasn't actually a triangle but it was angle formed by the pirate's arm, so.. eh, forget it.

Yeti - Get the X. This is probably a reference to that skiing game which name escapes me.

Vampire - Get the star. Obviously this is one of those sparkling vampires.

Superhero - Get the hexagon. This one is somewhat challenging to get.

Gothic - Get the crescent moon. It's not really a gothic. It's more of a nun. Maybe it's a gothic nun.

Skeleton - Get the diamond. What a fascinating analogy.

Alien - Get the spade. This is a very very loose reference to Avatar. Or maybe it's just not a reference. Yeah, that works.

Artist - Open the credits twice. Here it is. I referenced this before, but you probably just skipped to this part.

Rocker - Mute the music. Alternatively...

Orchestra Leader - Mute the sound.

Soldier - Visit the high scores. Is the war just a game to you, Mr. President?

White Dummy - Test an empty level in the level editor. I'm sure we all did that.

Polygon Mesh - Clear a level on the level editor. I bolded this just because it looks badass. The skin that is.

Mummy - Edit a level with thursters. So put thrusters in your level basically.

Demon - Shoot 666 dummies. Isn't it 616 now?

Office worker - Complete a level with the random skin. There's a "?" button that says random in the skin section. Click on it. Complete a level with that skin.

Clown - Complete a level in slow motion. Slow.

Prisoner - Stop shooting for 20 seconds. It's debatable if this is important, but most people don't have seizures in every level.

Stickman - Play the game 10 times. I hate this one. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. The game loads so slowly. Basically you have to refresh and play a level 10 times. Also, the description says "play 10 times the game", which is horrible Engrish. I never played The Game 10 times. I lost The Game a bunch of times though.

Bear - Shoot 10 dummies after the level ends. You might have to do this if you go for the symbols.

Bizarre - Get the heart symbol. Woooooah. WOOOOOOOOAHHH!! Moving on.

Samurai - Get the pentagon symbol. What a weak way to end the skins. Therefore, I'm making the last skin..

Random - It's always there. It watches you sleep at night. This is even easier to get than the Basic Dummy.

And that's the end to our wonderful magical dummy skin exploration.

Segment #1337

2009-09-22T13:26:00.002-04:00

The newest game to get badges on Kongregate is Cube Colossus. While playing Cube Colossus, you may realize it sucks. Oh, and that it has these annoying segments before each battle. The segments go something like this:

Segment #3

Don't give hope up.
Find your friends.
Do not disappoint.
Be ready for the challenge.

And now, I have EXCLUSIVE segments that didn't make it into the game! Here they are!

Segment #12

You are worth.
Cube can not win in this land.
Smoke die.
I am a foreigner, I can not laugh at your stupidity.

Segment #27

Navigate to death already.
To kill these cubes.
Instead, your mothers smoke.
Well, last night, she said.

Segment #132

These cubes are ideal.
Above.
How scary is this building.
So is your mother.

Segment #295

Do you live?
No, I need to make a living.
Because smoking is meaningless.
Your mother was like a Friday night.

Segment #645

Do not give hope.
Said, this game is won.
Joke is dead.
Soaks up information like your mother die.

Segment #1294

Please please please Dekimasenarimasen.
Please do not please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Do not give hope.
It is good medicine.

Segment #4512

I love the work of the value of hate this stupid job.
There is a difference.
It is also what happens in the future.
I will write to someone from the waist down.

Segment #9545

New episodes of loss of popularity as in this case, why?
This is considerably decreased.
Do you leave the place in the finale episode of me?
In other words, that is, a stupid stupid TV.

Segment #10133

He is obviously crazy.
What is the Ohio State University.
Today, I know what to do.
However, this is ugly, it means a big huge guy.

Segment #12045

Hi, I can, I'm bad to the west of you.
I'm going to quit you.
However, it is the best singer sea.
I thank the president of his face.

Segment #15345

I can specify the names of these pants I wanted to please the poster.
Deputy Prime Minister is this book.
Surprisingly, this child is sweating.
I will donate 12 cents to the lotion.

Segment #19651

To obtain appropriate waste it?
Eat the press zoom credit card bills.
This simple snap action.
Clear food and agricultural technology.

Segment #26503

Spring wedding, imagine the dam.
Instead, go up to describe the tragedy of south.
Beauty and not married.
Too bad the cow eats cow.

Segment #35013

For now, I need you to please.
Ask him choke to death.
I'm trying to kill this frog.
I can not see my guns.

Segment #53501

The following shall be applied, please.
Refer to the ducks, I can not eat a gun.
Made me listen to suffocation.
Pleasure without orange.

Segment #82346

Please Master marriage.
He is a visionary.
Now, the zombies are walking a thin line.
You can get the milk you can give your family some hope for you.

2009 Birthday Special!

2009-08-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

Hooray! It's my birthday! And as a special treat to everybody, I am writing a special post! This is the ultimate:

no0b guid

This guide will help you talk like a noob! That's right! Now you can annoy the chat and get multiple silences.. FREE!

Kongiophobia does not recommend doing this in public or in private.

Let's begin:
Step One: You say we need to talk he walks. You say sit down it's just a talk. Smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on throu-

Okay, no, wait.

1. Misspell half of your words at MOST, and 1/8 at least.

Example:

why ar you doin that agan... the governmint has better thins to do then listin to you whine!!! lol

2. Avoid punctuation. If you must use it, use 20 times as much punctuation as needed.

Example:

what is your problem seriously dude go get some ice cream or something or die or go away lol
.... what is your problem????? seriously dude!!!! go get some ice cream or something or die.... or go away!!!!!! lol

3. Use lots of curses that aren't spelled properly. 

Example:

hay u kno wut!!!!!! fcuk u docuhebag!!!!!!!!! suk my cok btch.... lol

4. Use abbreviations when you can.

Example:

wtf is going on srly stop it ffs stfu an gtfo u noob!!! lol!!!

5. Say "lol" a lot, but twice a line at most.

No chatters were hurt in this experiment.

6. You can't mix capitals and lowercases together. Go all caps for the troll look, and go lowercase for the noob look.

Example:
HEY GUYS U ALL SUCK U BTCHES LOL STFU NOOBS!!!!!!! LOL
hey guys u all suck u btches lol stfu noobs!!!!!!! lol

7. Avoid actually using leetspeak. Noobs don't use that.

Elitist Level Rank Chart

2009-07-02T22:16:00.002-04:00

Today, I bring you another chart of epic awesomeness. This depends on your level, and YES, it IS elitist. Oh well.

The Professional Phenomenal Historic Legendary Level Rank Chart

1-12 Newbie
13-22 Rookie
23-34 Skilled
34-41 Professional
42-53 Phenomenal
53-59 Historic
60-64 Epic
65 Legendary

Cargo Bridge's Physics

2009-06-13T21:44:00.008-04:00

Many people have been wondering what is wrong with Cargo Bridge's physics. I am tired of these complaints. It's easy to see there is nothing wrong with Cargo Bridge. It just has it's own sets of physics called "Spontemere" ("spontaneous gravity") I will now show you why common "BUGS" in Cargo Bridge happen. Specifically, two "bugs" that deal with the bridge working and then falling apart for a strange reason.

Common "Bug" 1: Bridges falling apart due to another bridge piece unconnected to it.
Real Origin: Anomalies

Here's something people complain about alot: a bridge normally works, but when you add a bridge piece to a completely different bridge, it falls apart. Why? Easy, anomalies. If a piece of bridge isn't connected to another, it develops a gravitational anomaly connecting it. Here's an example of how it changes:

SHAROOOOOON! THE ANOMALIES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEEEE!!

See? Okay, look at the second picture closely. You see the two circles? A really dark one (more psi (which is a unit of pressure/stress)) near the bridge piece, and a lighter one farther away from it? Well, that's how the anomalies work. For all you math people there, the exact equation is:

x = piece length
Inner Circle Psi = 4(x^2)/3
Outer Circle Psi = (Inner Circle Psi)/2.186
Inner Circle Diameter = pi(sqrt(x^5)
Outer Circle Diameter = (Inner Circle Diameter)^2

Common "Bug" 2: Bridges working one time, then without changing anything, it breaks.
Real Origin: Invisible Monkeys

You have a bridge. It works. You try the EXACT same bridge again, but it breaks! Why? Easy, because of the decisions of the invisible monkeys. You don't see them because they're invisible, but they're responsible for the spontaneous breaking of the bridge. You can only see them if you look at the screen in infa-red vision. And they're only SOMETIMES there. I took 5 photos of the bridge before anything happened to it. In 4 of the photos, the bridge worked fine. In the other photo, the bridge broke. Sure enough, I looked at the photos for the working bridge and the broken bridge and looked at it in infa-red. Sure enough, the monkeys were on the bridge that was just about to break.

STOP SMILING! YOU... YOU... MONKEYS!!!

Mortal Kombat - Now With Microbes!

2009-05-02T07:05:00.007-04:00

Microbe Kombat is a mix of a lot of things, yet it fails to find one that works for it.

It's an action game, a racing game, a skill game.. It's all those things in one. Sounds nice, right?

Well, the problem is these properties are cemented into the ground with what should be bugs but are not. They're real problems with the game. This game had good planning, but overall it's unfair. Especially the viruses.. don't even get me started on those. So, how is it an action game and all those other things anyway? Well, I'll tell you.

Action - You have to react quick to proteins appearing, and other microbes trying to eat you. Racing - You have to race to the protein as fast as you can (a problem)
Skill - You have to use your abilities wisely.

Does it fail at them? Yes. Like I said, the game has a good concept, but that's what makes the game bad. The good concept makes you think what the game could have been. And overall, it could have been better. In fact, here's a close analysis on why these genres fail in this game:

Action: The game fails at action because there's so little. The most action you'll see is running around in circles trying to get protein because one of the other microbes wants to eat you.

Racing: Racing to get the proteins makes this game a game of pure luck and scrambling around.

Skill: Split is worthless and will probably kill you, spike is overpowered (killing all 5 enemies in the beginning of the game?), ally explode doesn't seem to work (takes too long to click on the ally, your enemy will probably be gone by then), ally growth and speed boost seem fair enough, and stun is pointless.

And now for the problems:
- Proteins appear randomly
- Viruses have no cure
- Viruses are too strong
- Some enemies are resistant to viruses

The whole game is basically a mess..

I give it a 350/500.

The Great Sonny Ratings Controversy

2009-02-16T18:38:00.000-05:00

Remember Greg's account being hacked? Well, another panic has arisen, the "Great Sonny Ratings Controversy". Sonny is the highest rated game on Kongregate. Hopefully, it still is. However, during the previous days something drastic had happened. Apparently, Sonny has fallen to 3RD place.

I liked GemCraft better anyway.

This was not meant to be. It was not set by nature. This was all a scam. And I have proof. This whole thing lasted for one day, yet took a week to set up. It all began with GemCraft..

Tinder

The bomb was set when a post on the forums stated that GemCraft was about to overtake Sonny. Many people had their doubts about this. Sonny is a good game with nearly 5 million ratings. However, the ratings for GemCraft were rising, and people began to worry more. What would happen if GemCraft DID overtake Sonny? This was when the panic first began.

Friction

GemCraft got even higher ratings. The stars had no intention of stopping, no matter how much members prayed.

Spark

The ratings were about to overtake Sonny now. Would it make it?

Flame

Yes, yes it would. GemCraft overtook Sonny! OH NO! And so, panic had arisen in the forums. Some people believed it was a lie, some people had believed it was fake. Some people suspected foul play, that GemCraft had cheated with the ratings. While this probably isn't true, it left Sonny wide open for a direct hit.

Alchohol

A game called MindMaster had appeared. The game had unusually high ratings, but most people didn't notice. They were too busy panicking over the GemCraft ratings. Thus, the fire was fueled. MindMaster had really high ratings. Too high..

Conflagration

MindMaster had overtaken GemCraft. This means that Sonny fell to third highest rated game. MORE panic had arisen. People definetly suspected foul play. Two games rising above Sonny at the same time? The fire of the Great Sonny Ratings Controversy was burning bright, seeming like it would leave a mark. Panic was high. Very high. Think the San Francisco fire panic. That's how high the panic was. The panic was so high it caused me to say panic several times in this paragraph alone. PANICPANICPANIC. Insane. Yet the fire died down..

Dousing

Greg posted a post on the forums that said the MasterMind ratings were in fact, spammed. Apparently, many people from the same IP rated it 5 stars. One thousand or something. With that, the fire died. MasterMind dissapeared, GemCraft fell to second, and Sonny got back to first. I still like GemCraft better, but it's nice to see the peace in Kongregate back again.

Ashes

This entire post is part of the ashes from the fire. Nothing bad really happened, but it left a bad image in people's minds. Similar to real ashes, the results are useless and used for nothing but.. nothing. Except throwing them in people's face. To tell you the truth, I liked the Greg hacking more. That was fun.

The UELH User ID Chart

2009-02-05T20:39:00.004-05:00

Today, I bring you the chart of epic awesomeness. This chart relies on your user number, so please look at what your User ID is before consulting this chart. This chart is valid until 50 members are reached, and should therefore be replaced somewhere around February 2067

The Ultimate Epic Legendary Historic User ID Chart

1-100: Original Member
100-10000: Ultimate Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
10000-50K: Awesome Epic Legendary Historic Member
50K-100K: Awesome Epic Historic Member
100K-500K: Awesome Historic Member
500K-1M: Historic Member
1M-2M: Elderly Senior Member
2M-3M: Old Senior Member
3M-4M: Senior Member
4M-5M: Generation 0
5M-6M: Generation 1
6M-7M: Generation 2
7M-8M: Generation 3
8M-9M: Generation 4
9M-10M: Generation 5
10M-20M: Generation X
20M-30M: Generation Y
30M-40M: Generation Z
40M-50M: Generation Q
50M-Beyond: New Generation

Suicide at February

2009-02-01T15:13:00.004-05:00

Hello! It's time for my yearly February report! In this report, I will.. well.. talk. About stuff. Yeah...

So, it's already the second month of 2009. Exciting, isn't it? Maybe the chat update will come this year, maybe it won't. A lot of things will happen in 2009, I can tell you that. But let's not forget the past. The past which has created so many wonderful things. And so many horrible things too. Like, you know, that Suicide Salaryman game.

This game is the worst game I have ever seen. It could have been a normal game, but noooooo. It had to be "independent". And it is. In a bad way. You have to kill yourself to get to the next level. To show this, it puts in a "heart" counter that runs backwards from 49. Isn't that cute? No. It's not. It's stupid and annoying.

The game is plagued by other things that make it worse. The graphics are absolutely horrible, and are broken too. When you move, your character gets a little blurry. Nice job. The graphics suck to begin with too. The main character has a square head and really ugly hair. The other graphics aren't much better. Don't even ask about the boss level. Some weird ugly drawing and a horrible ASCII pig. YAWN. When you die this red ugly blood splat appears. It is very bad. Like the rest of this game.

The game is insane. I wonder how I can kill myself.. hm.. how about banging your head onto the floor? Yeah, that'll work! No, that doesn't do. The character can survive a long fall, even if that fall is from the ceiling. I guess I COULD accept that, but it gets worse. Your character can get a gun, but can't shoot himself with it. That's right, to kill himself with a gun, he has to bounce the bullet off of something, or teleport to where the bullet is going. Wait, you can teleport? Apparently, you can. All you need to do is go to the left of this screen. Nice wraparound. NOT. Also, a bullet can SIGNIFICANTLY move a safe, and crates can suddenly explode if shot or electrocuted.. I already mentioned the pig(?) and the weird ugly Cupid thing on the boss level. There are more ugly ASCII blocks in the game, giving you hints. Speaking of which..

The game feels like it is Japanese, and not just because of the name. The dialogue sucks. It's in Engrish. Next!

The levels are frustrating in the beggining, but later on they get LAZY. Oh, and MORE INSANE. Past level 30 or 20, you'll find complete nonsence levels that are incredibly easy. There's one that's harder then the first level! The levels are stupid, and to make up for it, they use gimmicks such as your character being able to stand on your cursor, your cursor being able to create blocks out of thin air, making you go slowly left or else a wall appears, making you press "K" to get a safe to fall, making you restart a level, making you quit to the main menu.. ect. ect. ect OKAY.. WE GET IT. You can sort of program. Nice. Now make some real levels.

I wish that guy was me right now. Then I wouldn't have to play this game.

The game is annoying. Very annoying. I'm guessing he works at a television company or something, because inbetween levels this game shows this ugly static garbage and makes this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD static noise. Cute huh? No, it's not cute. It's stupid. Like this game. Forget this game. I'm out.

Oh, and by the way, this entire report is a joke. You've been February Fooled! Seriously, don't compain to me in the comments or anything. It was all a joke.

Super Miieat Boy

2009-01-23T21:23:00.006-05:00

According to a news post on Kongregate, Meat Boy is going to WiiWare as Super Meat Boy. The post then gives a link to a blog post and their official website. Remember Meat Boy? Yeah, that game was awesome. Remember how much you liked it? If you do, you're lying. You know you hated that game, because the controls were really clunky. The impossible badges didn't help either. So, you're probably thinking, how will this work?

The controls will have to be done nicely to not be bad. It depends if the Super Meat Boy (SMB for sho- wait a minute!) wants to be exciting or simple. If it wants to be simple, it would use the Nunchuk to move, and C or Z to jump. That would be fun, but not exciting. It's like the computer, but with a joystick. Heck, you could use the XBox to play the original Meat boy, so using the Nunchuk would be nothing new.

Everyone knows the Wii is famous for it's motion control, right? You can use the Wii remote to move in three ways. The first one would be move Meat Boy with motion control, and use B to jump. Now that would be pretty good. Imagine if you had a Wii remote in your hand, guiding along Meat Boy, and jumping at the click of a button. I don't know about you, but that would be awesome.

The second way is to use the sideways tilt thing. That is, turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it up to make Meat Boy run. To jump, you would have to press A (or B, I haven't played the Wii in a long time and can't tell which one's more comfortable.) That would work, but it would feel pretty weird because when you tilt it up, Meat Boy moves left/right instead of up, and it's not clear on how you would turn. Tilting it would be confusing because you're not seeing the game in the right way, which brings us to the third option.

The third option is the hardest option, but the most rewarding. Turn the Wii remote sideways, and tilt it and press A and all that stuff. Do what you did in the second way, but make the game 3D. That's right, put us in the perspective of Meat Boy, running around and wall jumping and stuff. This will be hard for both the developers to make, and the players to adjust, but it will be all worth it for a better gameplay experience. 3D gameplay would make using this control scheme less confusing than the second way, and would give you a way to turn (move the Wii controller left or right to turn). I mean, seriously. 3D wall jumping? 3D lava? 3D salt? 3D crazy missile things? That would be so freaking awesome! If the game can do this successfully, then it would rock. It would get millions of people paying on WiiWare to play it, and get them more money. Who knows? Maybe the game could grow up to be even better in the future. It could accomplish so much! People remembering it in history, people talking about it on message boards, whole websites being started about it, even magazine cover pages!

In the future, when PlayStation 4 is ready, Super Meat Boy 2 will be too. Also, a certain magazine will become GameInfo instead of GameInforme- I mean uh.. a certain magazine.. yeah..

Pandamonium 1

2009-01-21T21:34:00.003-05:00

So, I decided to interview Panda_Man. When he was online, I wasn't. When I was online, he wasn't. Today, we finally met and did an interview. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes before I had to go to school. To make things worse, he was lagging. Could we have a successful interview in 20 minutes with him lagging? No. Enjoy the interview anyway, and hope for a second in the distant future.

Click the picture above to see the full-size version on that picture. Do that with ANY shunken picture on Kongiophobia.

You Gained: Chat Nuke Plans

2009-01-19T21:10:00.001-05:00

Chat nukes. Some of you guys know them, some of you don't. A chat nuke is kind of what it sounds like. But not really. A chat nuke can happen to anyone. You can be either just chatting, or dealing with a troll invasion. Doesn't matter what you're doing, your chat screen can suddenly just go black. Nothing there. Pow. It's like all the text turned invisible, but it didn't. Here are some common things that people state about the chat nuke that may or may not be true.

A chat nuke deletes all text in the chat before it. It literally nukes it.

Wrong! A chat nuke appears to delete the text, but if you scroll up it's still there. The text appears, and then it shows somebody saying " " except longer. It covers the whole screen. It's really annoying, but it's only done when it needs to be done, right? If everybody could do the chat nuke, then the chat would be bombed back to the stone age. That's why only mods can chat nuke. Oh, wait..

Moderators are the only people who can chat nuke.

Wrong! Anyone can chat nuke. Kongregate didn't implement a chat nuke because it's an exploitation of programming. Anyone can type in the chat nuke code and have a whole screen of blank lines, appearing to nuke the chat.

I wouldn't reccomend doing it in public though (In PM to some person that doesn't exist, or in a game with an empty multiplayer room would be fine) because you'll be silenced. Seriously. It happened just as I finished writing this article. So, don't abuse the chat nuke. There's a reason Kongregate doesn't let you use enter. It would lead to chat nukes. See, that's why this code is similar to enter. In fact, it's EXACTLY like enter, which leads us to..

Chat nuking is made by typing in a code and copy-pasting it over and over again.

Correct! For every one chat nuke code you have, you have one space. Typing the chat nuke code until the limit of characters is reached lets you create a massacre of empty spaces. It's really not that hard to chat nuke. The hardest part is actually learning the code. Once you know it, you'll never forget it. It's not some long long code. It's 5 characters.

The code you'll never know. Unless you know.

That's right, 5 characters. 5 characters capable of multiplying and causing destruction. I'm not saying they HAVE to multiply though..

Chat nuking destroys the entire screen whether you want to or not.

Wrong! The code for chat nuking is one enter, not one thousand of them. You can limit the chat nuking by a whole lot of spaces if you only use 4 or 8 of them. Heck, you can even use the code for good if you don't use the code for chat nuking and use it for line breaks. What would you need line breaks for in chat? I don't know. Dramatic pauses, maybe?

Okay, well, maybe not the power of good.

Pulse Me, Baby.

2009-01-10T14:22:00.001-05:00

Changed the skeleton backround to a pulsing.. uh.. pulse backround.

Fun With FireBug

2009-01-05T08:14:00.004-05:00

NOTE: I will NOT tell you the gender hacking cheat, but I will tell you it DOES involve FireBug and editing your profile.

On the forums, somebody noticed that a certain member had the gender "Shemale" on it. He posted a thread which sparked more and more people to edit their genders. Editing your own gender is actually hacking Kongregate, and will probably get you banned, because the admins are no fun. That thread is gone now (thanks Matt!) and the gender hacking cheat will still be a secret. As mentioned above, I won't tell you, because I had to suffer for a long time before I realized you actually had to edit your profile for it to show up. See, if you download a FireFox extention called FireBug, it can edit the HTML for a page. However, for it to be permanent, you have to MAKE it the variable. This means you actually have to submit it for it to be entered into Kongregate servers. While playing with FireBug, you can do anything you want with Kongregate code. It won't sumbit unless you manually submit it, and you can't with anything besides gender (and maybe birthday). However, you CAN make it look like you are a staff member or level 999 until you refresh the page. Since it's not permanent, it's kinda like editing a picture. You're not actually hacking the servers, because nothing gets submitted.. right? *gulp*

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Download FireBug
2. Restart FireFox to make it work
3. Right click on what you want to edit and click "inspect edit" (or you can click on the FireBug icon in the bottom-right corner of your browser, but you'll have to manually find your edit)
4. Start editing! You might need to know basic HTML, but you can search for the words you want to edit.

FireBug apparently can't let you add code. (Either that or it's way too complicated for me to do it). This means in order to give yourself a "staff member icon", you need to be a developer. To change that developer icon into a staff icon, you find the developer image code (shown above) and change the developer part of /presentation/developer_icon.gif?1228803865 into staff. Your developer icon should change into a shiny red staff icon.

For reasons unknown, Kongregate has level icons for level 1-999, even though there is no level 999 (the maxium level is currently 65). Find your level icon (also shown above) and change whatever number you have into whatever number you want. You can change the 35 (my level at the time I'm writing this) of /presentation/levelbug/levelbug35.gif?1228803865 into 912 like I did in the image above, and you will get level 912! Hooray!

You can also change the badge pictures, but they're a little more advanced HTML and they look bad (because the images go a little north-left and the bottom-right repeats, it looks broken) and your personal bar thing.

WARNING 1: The personal bar thing is a little bit unstable and may snap back to the original for no reason.

WARNING 2: Refreshing or leaving the page will erase all changes that you made without warning. They're not permanent.

The First 5 Games On Kongregate

2008-12-31T23:12:00.006-05:00

Hey look! It's almost 2009! Kongregate's come a long, long way since it was first implemented. Better chat, better comments, better profiles, better.. functionality..

And better games. Kongregate is all about games. Without good games, it would be nothing. Since it is something, the games must be good. And they are. It wasn't like that when the site first started. So sit down, make yourself a sandwich, get some water, and enjoy this presentation of the first 5 games on Kongregate.

5. Guppy Guard Express

Where am I going?
I really can't see..
But I think I'll get there
Like a vision-less guppy..

This game is a Helicopter rip-off. It's a really bad helicopter rip-off. In Helicopter, you have to hold your mouse to move up and avoid obstacles and crashing into the ground/ceiling. This game is like that. This would be pretty easy and cool, but the controls don't make any sense in this one. It says you can also move your guppy by moving your mouse left to right, but it sometimes doesn't work. In fact, none of the controls work. You float up until you left-click and then you crash down, sometimes the mouse moves the guppy, sometimes not. This game might have good graphics, but it crashes at actually playing the game.

4. Balloon Go Pop!

Different color balloons show up. A color will show up on the screen and you have to shoot the matching color balloon. The 9th game to get uploaded on Kongregate was Fancy Pants Adventures. Why couldn't it have been in the first 5 so I wouldn't have to play this garbage? This game sucks. Boring graphics, boring gameplay, boring everything.. Next!

3. Food Chain

Surprisingly, this doesn't suck. It's a dog-cat-mouse game where you start off small and eat anything smaller to grow, to either other things. Sound familiar? That's right, it's Spore! It could also be Microbe Kombat, but it's missing a lot of features. Such as abilities and annoying viruses. It's still good. The first game of it's kind on Kongregate, so I have to give it major points with that. I love these types of games, but this is level-based. I wish it had an infinite mode. That would be pretty nice. It gets boring fast, which is it's main problem.

2. Micro Seige

Mini-minions are invading! Are you a bad enough dude to protect the king? What you have to do in this game is hold rocks for resources, then build tower to protect your king. It should be fun, but the game ruins it by including slower and slower mining times as you mine, no replay value, and very repetitve gameplay. The game is confusing, and it took me several tries to figure out how the game works (mostly the archers). There's not even a tutorial mode. Oh, and you can bring the game to a deadlock by building towers around the edge of the universe, but there's no point. The knights will just get angry and spam your chat.

"LEAVE MY WALLS ALONE!"

The game is way too hard when you have no archers, and once you do, it's way too easy. The camera is HORRIBLE, since you have to click on a turning button instead of guiding with arrow keys. Too many things that can be improved in this one. This is richpixel's second game. Since this is also the second game on Kongregate, richpixel's first game was the first game on Kongregate. Speaking of which..

1. Crazy Climber

On October 10, 2006, this game was launched. Hooray! The first game on Kongregate! It's a Q-Bert rip-off, though. It's still fun. Uses about the same graphics as Micro Seige but not that broken. You have 100 steps of energy. Can you reach the top of the summit? I sure hope so, because you have to climb your way through walls to steep (as shown above) dodge a boulder, and try to get the energy bar so you can continue your journey! This uses the annoying style of walking where instead of walking straight up, you go north-east when you walk up, south-east when you walk right, and so forth. You'll learn to live with it though. This game is pretty fun and challenging at the same time. I can't decide which is better, Crazy Climber or Food Chain. Ah well, it's always nice to see a piece of history. Oh no.. here comes the nostalgia..

The time has come, the walrus said
To talk of many things..
Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax,
Of cabbages and kings..
Any why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings..

My Silent Saboteur

2008-12-30T19:22:00.001-05:00

People often ask a question: Is Kongregate better then ArmorGames? It's a tough choice. Kongregate users often point out that it's obvious that Kongregate is better because it has cards, a card game, badges, a chat, and more. Kongregate is cleary better then ArmorGames for playing games. There lies the problem. Kongregate would be better then ArmorGames IF it had any games. Good games, at least.

The highest game on Kongregate is currently Sonny. Look at who uploaded it. It wasn't Kongregate, it was ArmorGames. Look at ArmorGames' account and all the wonderful games the uploaded. Kongregate uploaded the Shoot! (booooriiiiing) and Kongai (snore). ArmorGames sponsors tons of good games. Kongregate has sponsored, maybe about 2 or 3 good games, and then tons of bad games like Project Green and Saboteur.

The creator of Saboteur is NinjaCow, the guy who is a ninja and a cow combined together. He's also insane about killing DrNeroCF, the creator of Fancy Pants Adventures. NinjaCow does everything DrNeroCF does worse. He also tries to do his own games* sometimes, but they suck too. Like this game. In Saboteur, you walk around trying to crack the guard's necks (or not) and avoid cameras until you get to your target. After that, you have to get back out. It would be boring like this, so NinjaCow decided to add "features" to the game. The problem is, the features are annoying.

This game isn't 3D or anything, so it's set in bird's eye view mode. NinjaCow decided to add a circle that restricts your view to make it seem like a spy game. The problem is, it's annoying, it's pointless, and it's just stupid. Thanks for showing us your abilities to block the game screen, NinjaCow, but I really don't care. He also made our character suck. That meter on the bottom-right of the screen is the sound we're making. That's right, our characters make sound when they walk. This might have been cool, but NinjaCow didn't implement a sneak button, so we HAVE to walk fast and make sound. The character can drag a dead guard body so it won't be noticed by a guard. The problem is, he has butterfingers, and can't hold on to a dead body of a guard he just killed without it falling.

Whoever owns the area hired guards that are SuperMen, but they suck. It SAID in the job description that they can see through walls (which they can, thanks to NinjaCow's lazy programming) but it failed to mention they're blind. The entire point of dragging a dead guard body away is to make sure a guard doesn't see it. The problem is, they WON'T NOTICE THE BODY. That's right. The screenshot does not lie.

Is that a dead body? Nah.. I'm probably imagining it.

The guards are also blind in a different way. They have something I like to call "NST:18I" which means Near Sightedness to 18 Inches. In other words, their vision is .0000142045455 of normal human vision, which is 1,267,200 inches (20 miles). Having such a terrible vision must make life hard for them.

Where'd you go, Snake? I can't see you. Snake? SNAAAAAAAAKE!

The missions don't make up for the horrible physics. They're all dumb stuff like "Assasinate Mr.Black" or "Steal stuff but don't kill anybody". The game is boring, frustrating, and annoying. I didn't have the patience to get past level 3. Forget this game. NinjaCow must hate DrNeroCF because his games are infinitely better then his games.

Fail Factor 4: It's not fun, the game is broken, and it's annoying.

Phobia: Probably Scotomaphobia - Fear of blindness

*That have been done better a million times before

Project Ice Rink

2008-12-29T14:17:00.005-05:00

A game concept that SHOULD be overused but isn't is real ice. Many games try ice that sucks. Real ice isn't moving a LITTLE faster over time, and you skid for an inch before stopping. Real ice is "holy crap I'm still moving 20 miles per hour" and "Whoah, this spinning is making me kinda sick" stuff. Where does ice belong, however? In an ice rink game of course! It's my honor to present, Project Ice Rink!

Wait a minute, that's not it. The game is called Project Green, and it's not about ice rinks at all. It's just another stupid game where you move and try to open doors to finally reach the exit switch to get to the exit. While missiles and lasers are shooting at you. None of these games make sense. They're also incredibly easy. However, Project Green is not easy. Why? Well, that's where the ice comes in.

There is nearly NO green in Project Green. There is, however, a whole lot of gray. Oh, and red. Mostly gray though. Project Green is a misnomer. The game should be called "Project Spin Out Of Control Until You Bump Into A Wall Which You Somehow Bounce Off Of". Why? The reason is that this game appears a friction of 0.0000001. Do you want to stop? Sorry, you'll have to waste 8 seconds randomly sliding and bouncing on the screen, hoping you don't get your ass fried by the lasers or bump a mine until you finally move only a LITTLE. That's right, you never stop moving, even after 20 years you'll still be sliding just a little bit. Call me crazy, but I think this isn't fun. And sure, 8 seconds doesn't seem THAT long, but it happens EVERY TIME YOU MOVE. The entire game is ruined thanks to these stupid physics. The game gives you a level editor, but that sucks too.

The level editor is unfriendly, unhelpful, and confusing. It doesn't tell you anything, which means if you haven't played the game you're forced to guess what everything does. It also doesn't seem to have a very important part of the game: THE PLAYER. Turns out the player comes with the exit square. I guess the author doesn't believe in freedom. The game has a "delete" option, but doesn't let you delete anything. Or does it? To delete something, you have to highlight it. I got that part, but it turns out you have to press "Delete" to delete it. The actual delete button on the keyboard. Now, I know why the author chose it and it isn't a problem! Except for one little fact: DELETE IS USELESS AND A HORRIBLE BUTTON TO USE ON A KEYBOARD. Nobody uses delete because it's much easier to use backspace. That's why EVERY single game uses it. Except this one of course, because Project Green is nonsense. I thing green is actually G.R.E.E.N, an acronym for "Giant Ridiculous Exciting (just kidding, it's boring.) Eggplant Nonsense. Why is eggplant in there? I don't know, and neither does the author because this game is INSANE. Fun Fact: Kongregate actually sponsored this garbage.

Fail Factor 2: It's actually pretty fun until you get up to level 51 or so.

The phobia here was hard to find, but I think it's Tropophobia, the fear of moving (which you'll do a lot of in this game whether you want to or not)

Top 5 Ways To Annoy People Playing Your Game

2008-12-28T15:26:00.009-05:00

The long awaited sequel to "Top 5 Ways To Make Nobody Want To Play Your Game" is here! Now, suppose you STILL manage to get some people playing your game. They are obviously rude, not respecting your wishes for nobody to play your game. What should you do? Annoy them while they ARE playing your game!

5. Use uncropped pictures for the graphics in your game.

Flash has brushes, pencils, and lines for a reason. Drawing art in Flash is always a good thing unless you're going to be a slob. Look at games such as The Last Stand 2 and Dolphin Olympics. Pretty nice, right? Imagine those replaced with real graphics. Okay, so that would be even cooler! If they did it right. However, if you're going to not crop it and leave ugly white borders around it, it looks horrible. Let me show you what I mean by an example from a game that's gone now:

"Hey look! It's Obamaa... er.."

Now tell me, does this game look professional? Would it annoy the hell out of you if you played it? I think so! Could there be a reason this game was removed from Kongregate? Hm..

4. Don't add a mute button if you add music to your game.

Teens and other people listen to music all the time. They usually start hearing the same songs over and over again. Don't you think you'll get tired of listening to something if you hear it too many times? I know I would. Most people use loops in Flash that they either made or got off of FlashKit.com. These loops are short, lasting for no more then a minute at MOST. Eventually, people will just say "You know what? I want to shut this stupid music off." They look for the mute button, but alas! There is none! There's only one way out..

"Shut the hell up, you stupid game!"

Muting their speakers means they can't use iTunes. If they choose to deal with the music, they have to listen to it ALONG with their song. It sounds horrible it's best to turn off iTunes if they want to continue playing. Turning off iTunes so they can listen to YOUR stupid song won't make them happy, it'll make them angry. You won't like them when they're angry..

3. Put red text on a blue backround, or the opposite.

Blue is a nice color. It represents respect, sadness, and a whole lot of other things. On Kongregate, however, blue represents annoyance, pain, and blindness. Blue and red are two colors that can cause seizures if flashing in rapid succession. Flashing or not, putting red on a blue backround or blue on a red backround can still hurt you. It's just painful to look at. If you make that blue or red any brighter or darker, they lose their effect. The only painful shades are the normal ones, #0000FF and #FF0000. You probably don't want an example, but I'll show you anyway.

My eyes are bleeding! GRAAAAARGHH!!!

This is the exact type of eye-burning pain I'm talking about. Blue + Red = Blindess. Next!

2. Use flashing colors in the game that are likely to give people seizures.

These days, dance clubs are highly blown out of proportion in terms of colors and lights. They just have different lights changing every 5 seconds, and some dancing. Many people now, especially the ones at Kongregate developing flash games, think that dance clubs and parties are places where every known color in the universe flashes ungodly fast. The problem is, these flashing lights can cause epiliptic seizures. Yet developers still insist on flashing colors at 30 frames per second just to try to keep the beat of a "dance party" and/or to annoy people. So, annoying people by flashing thousands of colors is a pretty good way to make people hate your game. It's also a good way to give people seizures. An example would be "The Groovy Dance Party Game Featuring The Groovy Button"

"Sparta? This.. is.. epilipsy!!!!"

1. Don't beta test your game, only to find out it's badly broken.

The most important part of a game is kind of obvious. It's not graphics, it's not controls, it's just if the game simply works. When the game is broken, then the entire game is ruined. That's why after a game is finished, people let it sit for a week then play it, looking for any bugs or glitches. That's kind of the ENTIRE POINT of beta testing. However, some people obviously DON'T beta test their game, because they're too arrogant and they think everything is perfect. It's not. When a game has a couple of bugs or glitches that are hidden and/or hard to execute, that's okay. However, when the part of the game that THE ENTIRE GAME REVOLVES AROUND is broken, then you're just stupid and lazy. A great example of this is "Dress Up Margaret". In "Top 5 Ways To Make Nobody Want To Play Your Game", I talked about how dress up games suck all you do is drag ugly clothing to some ugly girl/guy. The entire game revolves around dragging the ugly clothing. If you read this entire paragraph, you would have guessed by now that in "Dress Up Margaret", YOU CAN'T DRAG THE STUPID CLOTHES. Thus rendering the entire game stupid, broken, and extremely annoying.

MOVE THESE STUPID, UGLY CLOTHES! ARGH!!! *smash*

Top 5 Ways To Make Nobody Want To Play Your Game

2008-12-27T16:36:00.014-05:00

First appearances mean EVERYTHING when you're in the world of Flash Development. If people don't think your game is worth playing at a first glance, they're not going to play it. Are you tired of people playing your games? Just follow these rules and you too can have a game nobody wants to play.

5. My first (insert genre of game here)

Look up the words "my first" and you'll see a page full of "my first" games. Notice how their ratings are all close to two. My first game usually suck. There's two reasons for that. One reason is that if somebody insists on telling people that it's their first game, then they want pity because they know their game sucks. The second reason is that they want to tell people their game sucks so they could excuse their various bugs and glitches.

"Give me a break, guys. It's my first sidewalk!"

4. Create an excessively long title for your game and make half of it not even describe your game and can easily be erased and the message of your title will still be the same.

Again, it leads back to maturity, but this time, it also goes into creativity. If you can't make your title short enough to not be TOTALLY HARASSING, then you're not creative. If you're not creative, your game isn't creative. If your game isn't creative, it probably suck. If you don't need half of the title, then why put it there? It makes people who are thinking about playing your game question your maturity. Either you're too dumb to realize you don't need half the title, or you think everybody at Kongregate is an idiot if that extra half is something that's totally obvious, like the "that's why it's lame" part of the following picture

3. Make the icon for your game a bad .gif, a picture, or something that doesn't represent the game.

Kongregate has icons on games for the purpose of showing exactly what their game is about, or bragging about the graphics. Icons are important things, they're photographic proof of your game rocking. If icons can do that, they can also show photographic proof of your game sucking. You COULD be honest and show a real picture of your game, or you can be annoying and show something that has NOTHING to do with the game. Even more annoying is when you use a picture you found on the internet. What does that say about your game?

What does a picture of money have to do with "click the dot"?

Kongregate allows you to upload a .gif for your avatar AND icon. It usually sucks, because Kongregate has a problem with .gif pictures and strange black stuff shows up on it. Well, it used to. Even without the strange black stuff, .gif pictures shouldn't be used unless you know what you're doing, because they usually suck. However, think about DTD's icon. Now, think of it animated. Wouldn't that be awesome? How about Last Stand 2? Dolphin Olympics? Yup, it would be awesome. However, imagine it done wrong. Imagine DTD having that zoom in/out problem most .gif pictures have. Imagine Dolphin Olympics having a choppy .gif picture. It would all suck.

2. Spell your title wrong, in ALL CAPS, in l33t, or make it nonsense.

Developing skills are equal to maturity skills. Look at the highly rated games list. Do you see any games called SONNY or gmcrft or b100n5 t0w3r d3f3nc3 3? Nope! Why? Games with bad titles usually turn out to be bad games. For example, look at the last page of the action games list. How many games are spelled bad there? Half of them? More? Look at this list of several games, can you tell which ones are bad?

Hm.. I think I would rather play Fancy Pants Adventure: World 2 then play something completely stupid like "click da cow" or "O-MY-HEAD". Good games have names that make sense. Sure, it's not the last stand if it's a sequel, and there's no point of the + in Amorphous+, but at least it's not something that seems to come from a mind on LSD like "M3OW.. GRRRR!!" or "THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!" Really? The best game ever? That's totally NOT vague, except it doesn't even tell us what the game is about. Also, the "best game ever" (edit: sorry, that's "THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!!!") is only rated 1.64. Best game ever? More like "THE WORST GAME EVER!!!!"

Note: Don't play it. It's not a game, it's just a loading screen on crack. That is, IT DOESN'T LOAD. The bar just flashes all over the place.

1. Make your game a dress-up game that isn't quirky and/or with bad graphics.

Dress up games suck. What's the point of playing them if they're not quirky? Dress-up games are usually for people who want to get the Developer symbol next to their name and the points from developing a game. Dress-up games aren't really games, they're just a picture of some goth musician or some 5-year old girl for Christmas and stupid clothes that have some lazy startDrag(); code in it. Wow, it takes real talent to make a game as unique and fun as this. Oh wait, did I say unique and original? I meant overused and boring. Most dress-up games aren't quirky enough to be worth playing. Some examples are:

Wow! I can dress up a teenage guy and a "cute girl"! Fun! The bottom two games are the quirky ones. However, Santa Claus dress up has the worst graphics EVER.

This is exactly what I mean about lazy programming. Dress-up games NEED to have good graphics AND be quirky to be anywhere close to good. Dragon Ball Z Dress Up uses the "Make your icon a picture you found on the internet" way to make people cautious about playing it, but it's cool. It has 10 different characters, the graphics rock, and you can actually mix up the clothes. Hooray! It's the rare type of dress-up games! The ones that are actually good!

Who do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Super Saiyan BatMan™!

Part of the #3 text was in #2, so I put it back in #3 and added a new paragraph under the picture in #2.

The Top 5 Overrated Games On Kongregate

2008-12-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

If you have ever seen a movie with robots, nanobots, or aliens, you might have heard them say things like "Humans are extremely flawed things." I'm afraid I have to say they're right. The people at Kongregate apparently have short attention-spans. If the beginning of the game impresses them, then they'll rate it highly. This leads to games being overrated, such as the examples shown below.

5. Music Catch

In this game, you're a small circle that has to collect all sorts of shapes flying out from a line. There are 4 different colors of shapes you can collect
Blue and Green - Normal pieces that give points when you collect them.
Purple - Gives you Purple Power, which sucks in all Blue/Green and Yellow shapes (and possibly Purple, don't have time to check) and not the Red pieces. Also it seems like it makes more shapes fly out or makes the rate at which they fly out faster. Really awesome since it could score you some major points
Yellow - Increases your combo meter by 1. For example, x1 is turned into x2, x2 is turned into x3, x3 is turned into x4 and so on.
Red - Red is the color of evil, and it's extra evil in this game. The challenge is if you get even ONE red, you're probably not going to get as much points as you really can unless it's very early in the game. Reds are pretty devastating. They cut your multiplier in half.

Now on to the combos. You start out with a x1 combo, with your circle twice as big as a capital O (which seems like a lot, but it's still really small) and when you get yellow shapes, your combo meter increases by 1, and you grow a bit bigger. So you can go from that tiny x1 to gigantic lengths. Music goes on in the background, and it's beautiful.

So, it seems like fun. Why is it overrated? Because it's short. Also, getting a red at around x50 is the most annoying thing know to Earth. Whoops, you hit a red, now you're going to have to get 25 more yellows to make up for it. The beginning is boring, with all those little tiny shapes, and the entire game is boring if you don't have sound on your computer. It doesn't really deserve such a high rating. Next!

4. Sonny

Sonny is way too short. DTD should have been the highest rated game because it had tons of variety. Think about it. So many modes in DTD, and so many ways to explore them. Sonny, however, does not. You play for an hour, spend another hour or two trying to beat the Stage 4 bosses, then you're done. What next? Nothing. No replay value in Sonny, and to make up for it you get team mates. Wait, no. You get a team mate, and then when you finish the game you get 4 more team mates, but you can only use 3 on Stage. Veradux is the first one you get early in the game. He is the healer of this game. He sometimes attacks too, but his attacks suck, just like him. I can easily describe him using two words: Veradux sucks. It even rhymes, so you know it must be true. Oh, don't forget the infamous glitch where you can take an item and transfer it's bonuses to Sonny. It's like wearing (insert number of items you glitch here) items. Oh, and it's permanant too. The only way using this glitch can screw you over is if you don't have subduction and you need it (because you NEED subduction for one of the final bosses, the Doctor). You can easily re-spec and put everything into subduction, but if you re-spec while using this glitch, everything goes down. You can also get 8 levels, which is a helluva lot easier, but more annoying. Oh, and the glitch is incredibly easy to execture. Shown above is me using the glitch to Coup de Grace the end game boss (not the final bosses on stage 4, the final boss on stage 3). The plot is completely insane. You're trying to find out WHAT'S ON A STUPID TAPE RECORDER. The dialouge seems fitting, if this game was set in the 21st century. Every time I read "My name is Sonny." I think of some cheesy rap song. I'm done with this. Next!

3. Monsters' Den: Book of Dread

Booriiiing. I don't know how this game got over 4 stars, or even 3.5 for that matter. It's a monotonous dungeon crawler. Oh, and guess what? There's only like 4 different levels of the dungeon (Undead, Hunting Packs, Humans, and Greenskins) before the levels start over. Random dungeon placement (hey look! The exit is right next to me!), too many items (that makes over 200 items we've seen so far, and they all suck!), and lack of healing pots (looks like we're screwed unless we find an altar!) make this game suck really bad. Next!

2. The Several Journeys of Reemus: Chapter 2

It's a point and click adventure game with 3 endings, a great art style, and fun puzzles. It's still just a point and click adventure game. PaC games are never fun. Oh, and guess what? There's no replay value! Yet it's rated 4.20 on Kongregate. Why? It's only 30 minutes long and then you're not going to play it anymore. No extra challenge at the end. Sonny was waaay longer then this, waaaay more fun, and this game is waaay overrated. At least it's not rated higher then it's superior, like the last game on the list is Next!

1. Bloons Tower Defence 3

How.. who.. what.. why..

Okay, how did this get to the front page? This is the 3rd highest rated game on Kongregate, yet it sucks. A while ago, DTD 1.5 was the highest rated game on Kongregate, and everybody knew it was going to stay that was for a long time, and it did before Sonny ursurped it's throne. That wasn't good, but it wasn't horrible either. However, DTD has fallen off the front page. It's now the 4th highest rated game, just after this one. The problem is, Bloons Tower Defence 3 is a mediocre version of DTD. Let's see why.

Modes

DTD had easy, medium, hard, trickle, random, 10k, spawns, boxes, cross, the 100, speed, 15 towers, survivor, and 3k fixed.
BTD3 has easy, medium, and hard
Winner: DTD
Stages
DTD has one and only one stage.
BTD3 has 8 stages, not like you need more then one though.

Winner: BTD3

Challenge

DTD has tons of challenging modes. Anyone who has the impossible badge knows what I mean.
BTD3 is easy even on the hard more.

Winner: DTD

Playability Enhancers

DTD has a pause button, a wave skipper (send more then one wave at a time), a volume setter (set how loud the music is), and an end game button
BTD3 has a mute button, an end game button, and you can set which monsters to target.

Winner: DTD

Freedom

DTD lets you place your towers anywhere you want to unless it's blocking the creeps' path or on another tower, lets you experiment with it by using the modes, and lets you juggle by building a maze (again, placing your towers anywhere).
BTD3 has a set path the creeps HAVE to follow, and no experimental modes.
Winner: DTD

Graphics

DTD has a picture of a desktop with stuff on it as a backround, and has pretty nicely drawn towers.
BTD3 has harassing drawn backrounds, and drawn monkeys.
Winner: DTD

Order

DTD has small towers so you can place a lot of them on the desktop, and everything is explained so you know what everything is.
BTD3 has BIG MONKEY TOWERS so you can place a maximum of about 30-40 on screen, and there's a strange "secret" tower that nobody knows what it is.

Winner: DTD
Powerups

DTD's towers can be upgraded 5 times at most, increasing range, strength, or even both.
BTD3's towers can be upgraded twice for range and twice for strength/piercing/something else

Winner: DTD
Security/Hackability

DTD is hard to hack, and a couple people have done it.
BTD3 is incredibly easy to hack. I had to download Cheat Engine to test this, and guess what? It worked the first time I did it.

Winner: DTD

So, DTD is better then BTD3 in almost all ways, yet BTD3 is rated higher. What the hell? This is EXACTLY what overrated means. I'm done with this stupid game. List finished!

BONUS: GemCraft

Ah.. GemCraft. Another Tower Defence game. Putting this on the list was hard, since GemCraft had so many things that DTD didn't. Originally, this list was going to be the Top 6 overrated games, with Music Catch being 6th, Sonny being 5th, and this being 4th. At the end, I decided not to put it on the list, since it is more fun then DTD and very unique, and deserves to be rated highly. Think about it. Wizard levels, boostbable skills, bosses, hidden levels, saving.. ect.

Don't forget how different the battles were. On DTD, you only had preset towers and that was it. On here, you have empty towers, and you have gems that you can make for mana. You can increase your mana pool, buy higher ranked gems, or EVEN COMBINE GEMS TO MAKE HIGHER RATED GEMS. You got a bonus for making a "pure" gem by combination (both gems have to be the same color to make a pure gem). Not to mention building water trenches, throwing gems at monsters to attack them, not having lives but instead taking away mana if the monsters get past (and if you ran out of mana, you were dead), medals for achievements during each level, an AUTOSAVE, tons of save slots, great graphics..did DTD have all that? No! The only thing DTD had going for it was the different modes, but that's not enough to be better then GemCraft. That's why I say GemCraft > DTD

Blood On The Wall!

2008-12-26T19:33:00.002-05:00

Added ~~blood stains~~ bloody skeleton as a backround image.
Changed several colors of blog.

Cheats in Flash

2008-12-26T17:18:00.005-05:00

It's important to pick an attractive icon for your game so people would notice it. For example, I would have never noticed Cheats in Kongregate if it didn't have some hobo as the icon. So, I played it. And boy does it suck.

I so did not know that you can right click and press forward to go forward on a game, or press tab to find hidden buttons! Oh wait, yes I did. Everybody knows these cheats. Oh, and they're the only two cheats on there. Perfect. Then it shows you an example about how you can use the right click cheat to get the medium badge on Age of War, then some stupid "extra" question. You can either go back to the main menu or click "view the answer", which will lead to a page showing you that ugly hobo again. Oh, and the two cheats can be made useless in flash with 4 simple lines of code.
Above: All you need to stop those two cheats.

This game sucks to the highest degree. Outdated and easily broken cheats, no fun, ugly backround.. ect.

Fail Factor 5: YAAAAWN. I think the author was trying to test his button actionScript, then decided to upload the game here anyway.

The phobia to pick here was hard. It's either:

Scelerophobia - Fear of bad people (like the lazy creator of this game)
or
Hobophobia - Fear of hobos, beggars, undesirables, homeless people, bums.. ect.

Keep Kongregating Games!

2008-12-26T15:21:00.004-05:00

Anyone remember Nonoba? It was a website that was similar to Kongregate. Tensions between Kongregate and Nonoba began, and eventually led to a spam war on both forums. People overreacted there. Nonoba had badges, but not even challenges or a CCG..

However, a new problem has arisen. Keep Smiling Games. Go to this website, and immediatly you'll see how much it looks like Kong. Why? BECAUSE IT IS. You want to see the similarities? arcaneCoder posted them in his post on page 3.

3 posts above that post, an eMail answer from the creator is shown. He admits he stole Kong's design until he could make his own design. It's never a good thing when you have to steal a design so you can rush the creation of the site.

Some of the games seem to be stolen too, but there's a dispute about that because of the statement "the games were gotten from MochiAds Publisher Fee and were free to take"

Oh, that's not all. I've saved the best for last. An actual response from the author of Keep Smiling Games. Apparently, he coded it from scratch and BASED it on Kong. Is that why everything is the same, Vanhal? Who are you fooling? Designs might not be copyrighted (again, there's a dispute) but stealing a design is still ALWAYS uncool and unpopular.

So, what should you do about this? First, post on the thread we have to express your opinions. Second, DON'T SPAM THEIR SITE. Spamming will get you banned from Kongregate AND Keep Smiling Games. Third, well.. deal with it. There's not much you can do which isn't a horrible idea. Just sit back and let everyone else deal with it.

Yu-Gi-Oh's story of zombification!

2008-12-25T21:48:00.006-05:00

One of the old articles on Kongiophobia (the first!) was a story on Zombie Creator.

The first story was lost, but I've created a new story. Here it is (edited):

When the outbreak occurred, Yu-Gi-Oh was outside of one of the city of Hollywood's rescue stations. Just when he thought he might break through the crowds and get inside, an obnoxiously loud pickup truck came up behind him. It couldn't stop. It crashed through the crowds and killed at least 1/0 people. Yu-Gi-Oh was almost as unlucky, as he was pinned under the obnoxiously loud pickup truck. Then, as if in a dream, Achmed the Dead Terrorist came out of nowhere... but she wasn't herself, it was quite obvious that she had been turned into a Zombie. Blood ran down her helping bra, drenching it. Before Yu-Gi-Oh could react, not that he could do much, being pinned under the obnoxiously loud pickup truck, Achmed the Dead Terrorist sunk her teeth into his armpit. He had put up an Achmed the Dead Terrorist poster in his room when he was 14, and thought that at least it was her biting him... 'Better her than a fat old man' he thought. Clutching his most prized possession, the ripped tissue his wife gave him as a two week anniversary present, he slowly passed into Zombification. He was still stalking prey 3 years later... and did so until the army of Arizona decided to take matters into their own hands, and dropped several nuclear bombs onto the city of Hollywood. This is the story of Yu-Gi-Oh.

Llamas vs. Turtles

2008-12-25T15:53:00.008-05:00

Welcome to Emotional Expeditions! Emotional Expeditions are a branch of reviews where the entire game is explored. Somewhat of a walkthrough. Today, I'll be reviewing "are you a turtle or a lama?" And as everybody should know, it's never good when the game's title is spelled wrong.

Apparently, a monk is a llama. You're either a turtle, turtle, turtle, or llama. Look through the comments, barely anyone says they were llamas. If they did, then they were trying to get llamas. There are 12 of them, and half of them ask what foods you like. In fact, let's count how many ask you for your opinion on foods. Time for the analysis:

Do you enjoy spicy chicken? (1)
Do you like ham and bacon? (2)
Do you like hot soup and jam? (3)
Do you like tacos? (4)
Do you have buck teeth?
Do you like to swim?
Do you like chili? (5)
Are you enjoying this game?
Do you think that rabbits are extremely deadly?
Do you hate pork? (Trick question alert!) (6)
Are you gay?
Do you like sushi? (7)

So 7/12 of the game is asking you about food. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Fail Factor: 3 - It was going to be 4/5, but then I found out you DIDN'T always get turtle no matter what. It's still just a stupid quiz game. Who cares if you're a llama or a turtle?

I'm gonna say Testophobia - Fear of taking tests.

Not Another Tower Defence Game..

2008-12-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

Tower Defence Advanced doesn't seem advanced the first time you look at it. Then again, that's just the graphics of the icon. When the game first loads.. you'll be surprised at what you see..

Okay, maybe I should have said disappointed. Yup, there's nothing there. Can people actually make sure their game works before publishing? Maybe another game next time. For now, I have no choice but to give this game a Fail Factor rating of:

Undefined: There's nothing there, how can I give it a rating?

The appropriate phobia here is kenophobia! Kenophobia is the fear of blank/empty spaces or voids. This entire game is a void..

Kongiophobia V3 is out!

2008-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Kongiophobia V3 is out! I could have just started updating Kongiophobia V2 again, but no..

Because this blog is different! This is the probably the only blog on Kongregate so far that won't show you any good things. Nope, not a single good thing. I'll only post:

BAD games
NAUGHTY chat
DISGUSTING interviews
EVIL news
VILE expositions

And so forth. Join me as I post the FIRST REVIEW EVER!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!